An Idea

So helping people learn how to write is tricky. I mean, ultimately, writing is like everything else. You have to practice, do the basics over and over, things like that. And expanding your horizons, studying a variety of authors and styles of writing, and working on making yourself write in a variety of ways... that all helps a lot, too. But again, it comes down to doing.
So I think between my rambling poking at some particular points of writing, I think I'm going to start using this more for a bit of serial writing. I'll work on little story bits here and there and post up a chapter once or so a week. I mean, it's kind of ironic, but you can't learn how to write from reading a book. You have to do it. You have to practice it. And the best lesson I can give I've said again and again. Don't get discouraged. Don't make excuses, citing... lack of time, motivation, things like that. You can't let yourself get discouraged: you have to push and push, and keep yourself writing no matter what. You have to practice it: even if you're born with the innate talent to... weave words together well or a natural ability to spell or anything like that, if you can't endure, can't keep yourself writing through good and bad, and I really mean good as much as bad, you'll never reach the accomplishments you could.
I could go on and on about that but. I'll cut it short. You can always read my old posts, after all. So expect more stories. And enjoy.

~Scrivener Blooms

A Scrivener Carol: Hearth's Warming Steve [Full Version]

A Scrivener Carol: Hearth's Warming Steve

“Scrivener Blooms, I demand that thou tells us a story!” a sapphire mare ordered, raising her head high. And slowly, the charcoal stallion rose his head from his book, grouchily brushing back his ivory mane before he adjusted his little glasses over his brown eyes, one of which had a large, distinct hoof-shaped scar surrounding it.

“How about no, Luna?” Scrivener said flatly, glowering at the winged unicorn. But the mare only glared challengingly back, her starlight mane almost sparking with her determination. Or bossiness. Scrivy couldn't figure out which it was, really.

She poked at him firmly with her horn, and Scrivener flailed crankily back at her, lightly slapping the black pearl inscribed with a rose blossom that hung around her neck. The two grumbled at each other, until a third voice said from in front of the fireplace: “I think that's a great idea.”

Luna grinned brightly, and Scrivener groaned, glowering over at the second mare: a winged unicorn like Luna, but she was purple, with a pretty raven-colored mane that had two streaks of color in it. She smiled up at Scrivener, and Luna immediately rose her head and declared: “See? Thou cannot deny both myself and Twilight Sparkle, now can thee, Scrivy?”

“You cannot. Shut up.” Scrivener grumbled, and Luna huffed at him as Twilight tilted her head, sitting up on the futon. But then the stallion sighed, saying awkwardly: “Look. I'm just. Really not at all a fan of Hearth's Warming Eve, okay? It's a dumb holiday.”

“Then make it better! Thou wert Court Poet, wert thou not? Before thou received the much more admirable position of being my secretary, that is.” Luna said pompously, and Scrivener Blooms groaned before smiling awkwardly at the two mares as Twilight stepped forwards.

“Luna's right, Scrivener. You were the Court Poet once... and... why don't you have fun with it?” she encouraged, smiling back at him warmly.

Scrivener Blooms only grunted, not looking precisely enthused, so the violet mare hesitated before trying a different tactic: “Or are you worried because you don't think you can do it?”

“Oh, yes, appeal to my pride. Because I really have a lot of that. Or bruise my poor sensitive little ego with your hurtful, hurtful words, that's really showing the magic of friendship, Twilight.” Scrivener said dryly, and then he winced when Luna poked at him again with her horn.

“I will bruise thy great dumb body if thou do not tell us a Hearth's Warming Eve story.” Luna threatened, and Scrivener winced a bit at this before she added loudly: “And I will lock thee in the bedroom and ravish Twilight Sparkle all night long out here on the floor, as well, whether thou art my husband or not.”

Twilight cleared her throat awkwardly at this, leaning away from Luna, and Scrivener dropped his face in a hoof before he mumbled: “Great. Great. Oh... fine, stop. Threatening to be a jerk, Luna, and you stop giving me puppy eyes, Twilight. Then sit down and shut up if you want the story.”

Luna and Twilight both sat back on the futon as Scrivener turned his chair around, resting back in it as the mares looked up at him expectantly. He looked back, tapping at his chin for a moment before clearing his throat and beginning:

“Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria, there was a pony named... Steve.”

Scrivener halted, then mumbled to himself as he rubbed absently at his own face: “What the hell kind of beginning is that?”

Luna glared at him and Twilight only motioned for him to go on, however, so Scrivener Blooms sighed before gesturing absently with a hoof as he continued in a droll voice: “Steve loved all the other ponies, and he loved his nation, and he loved his socks, which he always wore for some strange reason... although much stranger still was the fact other ponies seemed to uncomfortably ogle him whenever he wore his socks like it was some kind of pseudo-sexual metaphor. But most of all, Steve loved Hearth's Warming Eve.”

Scrivener halted, saw that even though Twilight was looking at him pointedly, Luna was gesturing wildly for him to go on with a delighted grin on her face, so the stallion sighed again before throwing his forelegs wide and continuing in a falsely-cheerful voice: “Hearth's Warming Eve was about coming together! Hearth's Warming Eve was about uh... friends and.... things that are normally celebrated every single day in Equestria anyway but it was a totally special day all the same because. There was snow. Which otherwise there is usually a strange absence of in spite of Equestria supposedly having regular seasons. Also there was a lot of candy and people gave each other things.”

Luna nodded fervently, and Twilight slowly closed her eyes.

Then, Scrivener continued in a voice so falsely-serious it was almost patronizing: “But one year, Steve heard that Hearth's Warming Eve was going to be canceled, because of... plot contrivance or something like that.”

“Scrivy, come on, please try and take this seriously.” Twilight broke in, looking at him pleadingly. “You were Court Poet!”

“I am being serious. I am being very serious.” Scrivener defended, and then he grumbled when Luna leaned forwards, eying him interrogatively. “Oh, fine.

“It... also had to do with the evil and terrifying darkness that was spreading through the skies of Equestria and threatening to bring eternal night.”

Scrivener had a moment to look pleased with himself, and then Luna growled at him and gestured violently at herself, and the stallion winced away from her glare and held up his hooves. “Okay okay. Stop. Scowling at me like that, Luna. I'll change it.

“It was... threatening to bring eternal lack of candy. And it was a very brightly-colored darkness. Like evil rainbows. It was the evil rainbow of darkness.”

Luna nodded firmly while Twilight only looked moody, and Scrivener glanced off to the side as he mumbled to himself: “I feel like that's been used somewhere before.”

He stopped, glanced back at the expectant mares, then cleared his throat before continuing: “So uh... Steve knew the only way to defeat the rainbow of darkness was to create a rainbow of light. And so with that in mind he set out to find the... one ring. No, I mean the magic slippers.” A pause, a lame grin: “The elements of... harmony?

Luna and Twilight both gave him a flat look, so the stallion rolled his eyes before saying flatly: “Fine, the elements of Hearth's-Warmingness.”

Luna nodded firmly, while Twilight only grimaced, but didn't say anything further. So Scrivener continued: “Steve searched high and low across the land. During his travels, he came across the mystical... Roland.”

Luna scowled. “Rapunzel?” Luna continue to scowl. “Rasputin?”

The sapphire mare stomped a hoof, and Scrivener groaned before half-questioning finally: “Rudolph?”

Luna nodded firmly as Twilight sighed again, and Scrivener began grumpily: “Rudolph, the muscular...”

The sapphire mare glared at him intensely again, and Scrivener grumbled, with Luna stomping at each unwanted descriptor: “Flying? No, well. Magical? Oh, fine, the drunken reindeer. Rudolph the drunken reindeer!”

Luna looked thoughtful, then she nodded a few times as Twilight looked at her pleadingly, and Scrivener rubbed slowly at his face before he said waspishly: “He was drunk on red-dyed pony nog, and it was very dark because reasons.”

Now Twilight looked at him, and Scrivener looked back before rolling his eyes and explaining tiredly: “Because of the evil rainbow of darkness spreading over the skies. It was a very slow-moving rainbow because... it was getting paid by the hour and had a strong union representing its interests, thus it used the excuse that it wanted to do as good a job as possible to be lazy and build the dramatic tension.”

Twilight only shook her head tiredly, but Luna was leaning forwards expectantly, so Scrivener Blooms continued dryly: “Steve never would have noticed the drunken reindeer, except all that red-dyed nog had saturated his most bulbous nose. Adding to that the rhinophyma aggravated by alcohol-induced rosacea, it caused his nose to have a most celestial-”

Luna growled, and Scrivener hurriedly corrected: “I mean, crimson glow, like the setting sun-” Another glare at this metaphor, and the stallion said quickly: “Tomato. On fire. And angry about it.”

There was silence for a moment, and then Luna huffed and straightened as Twilight rolled her eyes. The stallion decided that it was probably for the best to pick up the story while he had the chance. “So Steve walked over and slapped the reindeer out of his drunken stupor, then said: 'Come with me if you want to live.'

“Rudolph didn't particularly want to live. So Steve-”

“Pummeled him further until he felt like living again!” Luna finished in a positive voice.

Twilight stared at the mare, and Scrivener sighed before saying sourly: “Luna, that's not how you fix every-”

Luna glared at him, leaning forwards challengingly, and the stallion threw up his forelegs in exasperation, snapping: “Okay, fine, leaving it in!”

There was a long, awkward silence for a few moments as Luna sat back primly and sniffed loudly. Twilight dropped her head in one hoof, rubbing slowly at her forehead as if she had a headache, and Scrivener settled himself before saying flatly: “He pummeled him until he felt like living again. After that they magically became the best of friends.”

No one argued, so Scrivy continued: “Steve and Rudolph made their way onwards, using his glowing nose to help them see through the dark night. Eventually, they entered a terrible forest, which Rudolph said was known for being full of evil and terrible creatures. But Steve felt that the power of implied homosexuality-”

Twilight cleared her throat, and Scrivener grumbled, then corrected: “The power of Hearth's Warming Eve would protect them. So they made their way through the dark and treacherous forest, pressing very close to each other's sides only because they were scared and stopping to give each other backrubs merely because they got sore and it helped calm them down.”

Luna giggled like a filly even as Twilight only shook her head. Scrivener, however, simply crossed his forelegs and kept on with the story as seriously as he could. “They heard a stalliony grunting noise eventually. The two made their way to this, Steve a little more eager than Rudolph. Rudolph at least had the sense to call out: 'Are you clopping over there?'”

The sapphire mare chortled childishly behind her hooves, and Twilight glared at Scrivener. But the stallion was undeterred as he went on: “'I'm chopping!' shouted a voice back. Steve did not hear chopping. Instead he giggled and pranced into the clearing... and stared with horror at the sight of a large, muscular dwarf angrily cutting up the mangled bodies of all his friends!”

Luna stopped giggling and glared at him, and Twilight simply stared until Scrivener muttered: “Wait. Hearth's Warming Eve story, right. Fine. He was cutting up a lot of wood.

“'That poor wood!' cried Steve. 'What are you doing, you murderer?'

“'I'm cutting it. I like to cut things. With my mighty axe.' The terrible dwarf held up his terrible axe, and there was a crescendo of singing from the birds. 'Shut up, birds!'

“'There aren't any birds here.' Rudolph remarked, much more confident now that they saw this wasn't another pony and likely would not interfere with his love interest-”

Twilight gave him a pointed look, and Scrivener waved a hoof as he said grumpily: “Friendship with Steve. 'Mr. Steve, I think we should just keep going. We need to reach the river elves-'”

“No, elves are evil, Scrivy! Wicked, terrible things!” Luna complained.

“And I don't think that has anything to do with the story...” Twilight added awkwardly. “In fact, a lot of what you're saying doesn't have much to do with anything...”

Scrivener glowered at them both, then said crankily: “'The elements of harmony-'” Glares from both mares, and Scrivener corrected after a moment: “'Hearth's Warming Eve.'”

There was silence, and then Scrivener continued grouchily when no one had any further objections: “'I'll come with you. There will be treasure and things to kill. Trees are boring.' growled the dwarf, and then Gimlet joined the party.

“This party of masculine males made their way forwards on a quest to save gay-”

“I know you're doing that on purpose.” Twilight said disapprovingly.

“I clearly meant joyous Hearth's Warming Eve. They left the evil forest and resumed their journey towards wherever the hell Steve was taking them, no one was really sure and Gimlet wasn't the talkative type and Rudolph just trusted in his secret love partner... I mean, his friend who kept him from drinking more red nog but let him have white gooey nog instead. Delicious white gooey nog.”

Scrivener rose his hooves and made twiddling gestures with it as he glared challengingly at Twilight, and Luna giggled wildly as Twilight only looked huffily back... then stared when the stallion announced: “Unfortunately all of their masculinity attracted a gay elf. The elf came gaily prancing out of the gay little elf household all done up gaily with gayfeathers and pansies and other flowers in a rainbow of colors, and the elf wore a cute little tutu and sparkly shoes and had a gay smile upon the elf's gaily-beaming face.”

Twilight was clearly doing her best not to take the bait, while Luna was continuing to giggle away. “Gimlet also thought that the elf was disturbingly pretty-”

“You can't keep making immature jokes like that!” Twilight blurted, glaring up at him. “You of all ponies should know... I... wait, you said-”

“Fine, I won't make another immature joke like that again. You're right, talking about someone's appearance is very not politically correct.” Scrivener said pompously, then he leaned forwards and continued in a cheerful voice: “He thought the elf was probably not of heterosexual orientation. But he thought that about all elves because he was a dwarf. While the elf only thought that Gimlet was cute and adorable and wished the dwarf would dress up all in ribbons.”

One of Twilight's eyes twitched, but Luna only shushed her and rubbed her back soothingly, letting Scrivener continue in a squeaky voice: “'Hello! I am the happiest of all elves! I can tell you're going to save Hearth's Warming Eve, the gayest of all the holidays, so I'm going to come with you! Let's cover the world in a thick frosting of love!' cried the gay elf happily.”

Luna and Twilight both stared, and then Scrivener cleared his throat and continued hurriedly: “So they made their way onwards, following the road. And because of pure plot contrivance-”

Both mares cleared their throats, so Scrivener rolled his eyes and corrected dryly: “Destiny, that road led them straight to Canterlot, where the mighty Celestia-”

“Evil Celestia!” Luna shouted immediately.

Scrivener stopped to look at her sourly, then continue: “Where she sat upon her mighty-”

“Evil!”

“Throne.” Scrivener said flatly, glaring at Luna as Twilight gave a silent groan. “She was very mighty-”

“And fat.” Luna announced loudly.

“She had an important-”

“Evil!”

“Mission for them, and they were all happy to-”

“Do her bidding!” Luna exclaimed cheerfully.

“Take upon this mighty-”

“Evil!”

“Quest.” Scrivener stopped, took a slow breath, as he rose his hooves, then he said crankily: “Luna, I won't tell the story if... you...”

Luna was giggling wildly, looking up at him childishly, and Scrivener groaned before pointing at the far side of the room. “Luna, go over there. Over there. Corner!”

The sapphire mare groaned loudly and flopped on her back, then mumbled as both Scrivener and Twilight gave her sour looks before she rolled over and crawled away on her stomach. The stallion composed himself, then he continued: “And so Celestia said to Steve: 'To stop the evil rainbow of darkness you must use the stupid-'” He stopped and cleared his throat again. “'The sacred elements of harm- Hearth's Warming Eveity to summon... Puff the Magic Dragon.'”

Luna blew a raspberry at him as Twilight cocked an eyebrow, and Scrivener grumbled before saying dryly: “'The rainbow of light.'” No one seemed to have any problems with this apart from Scrivener, so he sighed and continued: “'You will not succeed alone, though, ring-bearer... er, sock-wearer. You will need help.'

“Steve looked back at the friends he had made, and they all looked back at Steve. Scrivener paused dramatically, then said: “He begged-”

“Not to interrupt but... I don't think 'begged' is a good word for a hero asking for help from his friends...” Twilight said hesitantly.

“Pleaded?” Scrivener tilted his head curiously. Twilight glowered. “Prostrated?”

“How about he smiles? If they're really his friends, he shouldn't have to ask at all, right?”

“He should have to beg a little.” Luna grumbled, and Scrivener Blooms grunted in agreement, but then he groaned when Twilight looked at him with that small, hopeful smile of hers that always... dammit.

“Fine. He 'smiled hopefully.'”

“'You have my nose!' declared Rudolph.

“'And my axe!' roared Gimlet the dwarf.

“'And my alternative lifestyle!' cried the gay elf.

“And thus was the Fellowship of Steve born.” Scrivener finished dramatically.

Then the stallion couldn't resist undercutting himself as he added: “'Also I'll give you flying eagles-”

“I hate eagles.” complained Luna. “They are an evil bird. Like puffed-up hawks. And I do not like hawks at all.”

Scrivener sighed, then substituted: “'Griffins, to take you right to the rainbow of death metal-”

“Uh, Scrivy...”

“Darkness so we can skip a montage sequence-” Twilight glared at him, and Luna decided to glare as well, even though she probably didn't know what the hell that even meant. “I mean, 'save our nation before it is too late.' Celestia said wisely.”

There was silence for a few long moments, and then Luna asked slowly: “And?”

“What do you mean, 'and?' It's not Hearth's Warming Eve yet. I think that's enough for one night.” Scrivener said dryly, and then he winced when Luna leapt to her hooves and huffed at him.

But Twilight hurriedly rose a hoof before the sapphire mare could charge, and then she said encouragingly: “But well... even if you're not being... really serious about it, we both like listening to you. And the story sounds, well... I mean... it's unique...”

“It is not. It is the answer to what one fool's hoof clapping sounds like: he is slapping himself. But I enjoy when Scrivener slaps himself.” Luna paused, then leaned forwards, leering. “I enjoy when he does other things to himself, too.”

Scrivener winced and leaned backwards, and then Luna said loudly: “And as there is nothing better to do, thou shall finish this story or I will make thee entertain Twilight and I in those other ways!”

The stallion groaned... but understood all too well that Luna was serious, and while he was a large stallion, she was... well, evil and mean and liked to hit him. So he only nodded grudgingly, then settled himself into his seat as Luna nodded primly and hopped forwards to sit herself down beside Twilight Sparkle.

The two settled in, and Scrivener Blooms rubbed meditatively at his face as he lowered his head, trying to think of how to begin. But after a few moments, he thought the perfect way to start came to him. Or rather...

“'The griffins were a bad idea!' Steve yelled, because why the buck would you think it would be safe to fly towards a giant evil rainbow when it's guarded by motherbucking dragons and level twenty magic users and a giant eye on a tower shooting death beams at everything it sees? Oh, sure, it's easy to say the eagles... griffins would work just perfectly, but do you really think the giant death tower with the clearly hypersensitive anxiety-suffering OCD eye looking everywhere at once is going to just go 'ho hum, there's absolutely nothing strange about those giant-ass birds with riders coming towards me?' No. He's going to fire his motherbucking lasers right down their motherbucking collective throat.”

Twilight and Luna both stared, and Scrivener cleared his throat and awkwardly brushed himself off before continuing in a much more pleasant voice: “Which is what happened to Steve and his Fellowship. Fortunately only the expendable griffins were hit and turned into fried chicken. They all fell to the ground, but there was no falling damage because Rudolph saved Steve with his secret flying powers, the dwarf was too angry to be hurt by a fall – and too busy eating the fried chicken... uh, I mean, griffin – and the elf just gaily floated down because gravity is a homosexual force-”

“No it's not. It's a force where like attracts like.” Twilight Sparkle began, then she frowned after a moment and glared at Scrivener as he opened his mouth. “Don't even say it.”

“Oh, fine. Spoilsport. Because elves are magic.” Scrivener said dryly, and Luna huffed loudly before the stallion looked over at her pointedly. “Luna, this is already hurting my brain to come up with. Don't you care? No. Of course you don't.”

Luna nodded violently as Twilight Sparkle shook her head slowly, and then Scrivener Blooms continued: “Anyway, so our fellowship has landed in the evil land of Ying.”

“That rhymes with ding. That cannot be evil.” Luna complained.

“Okay, the land of... Ooo.”

Twilight frowned, and Luna huffed, asking with mock seriousness: “And are they inhabited by the terrible 'ahs?'”

Scrivener scowled at Luna, wondering why it was that she was always sharpest when he was trying to do something. So after a moment, he said finally: “Rodom.”

Neither mare protested at this name, so Scrivener continued: “The evil land of Rodom was full of evil things. But Steve wasn't afraid because he had his trusty friend Rudolph with him, the angry dwarf Gimlet, and the elf with an alternative lifestyle. Fortunately, they were out of sight of the giant evil eye that was guarding the dark rainbow of darkness behind a giant rock. And the eye was awful at math so it completely miscalculated their fall trajectory. Which was a tragedy. A tragedy of trajectory. But not a tragectory trajedy because while phonetically correct it's incorrect because language is stupid.”

Luna nodded seriously as if she perfectly understood, while Twilight winced, then argued, as if she could see what he'd done with those words: “There's reasons behind the differences between phonetic pronunciation and the prescribed way that the words of our language are to be written-”

“They were not safe from the dragons and the level twenty magic users.” Scrivener interrupted loudly, and Twilight glared at him. “But thankfully Rudolph and Steve both had cartoon physics and thus could not be killed, while Gimlet was a cruel evil bastard-”

“Hearth's Warming Eve story, Scrivy.” Twilight corrected sourly, still glaring at him, while Luna giggled at the look on the violet mare's face.

“A great hero who took great joy in lopping off limbs and torturing people which if the bad guys had done it would have been war crimes, but because they were doing it in the name of Hearth's Warming Eve, hey, it was totally fine. Because really, no one liked these guys anyway.” Scrivener corrected dryly. “And that was how the Equestrian Inquisition and three hundred years of horrific oppression began.”

Luna nodded seriously, but Twilight gestured at Scrivener pleadingly, and the stallion sighed before saying in a mild voice: “And that was how Gimlet saved the day. Although the elf helped too with bondage gear-” Luna giggled and Twilight twitched. “I mean, rope and restraints.

“Our group of morons... I mean, noble heroes continued on their way after rolling a natural twenty-”

“Twenty is not a magical number. It is a foolish number.” Luna interrupted, even though Twilight possibly gave the smallest of smiles behind a hoof.

“They carefully and systematically devised a plan to travel forwards. They dealt with wild monster encounters... I mean, enemy patrols and only stopped to save their game... uh, rest, once on the entire journey.” Scrivener said, keeping his face as straight as possible as Twilight shook her head, but smiled a little more, and Luna only scowled. “Steve was very proud of himself and his friends. Although Gimlet refused to share any hugs with anyone because of extreme insecurity about his sexual preference-”

“Haven't you made enough of those jokes?” Twilight asked in exasperation.

“Oh fine, because of ultra-macho masculinity. Steve and Rudolph hugged often. And carried each other often. And Steve bought Rudolph a set of his very own socks at a Rodom gift shop, where they paused to get directions to the top of the mountain to destroy the one ring... evil rainbow of darkness.

“They made their way up the mountain with many epic battles. They fought flying monkeys and shadow elves and rubber ducks-”

“Ducks are not threatening.” scoffed Luna. “They are not swans. Ducks are delightful. Their name even is delightful. Why, it rhymes with f-”

“Necks!” Scrivener interrupted immediately, then he cleared his throat when both Twilight and Luna stared at him. “Uh. Golems. I meant golems. And evil living trees. And zombies. There were many epic slow-motion moments and the elf fired arrows in every direction and somehow always got a headshot while Gimlet got many critical hit and dismemberment bonuses and Steve and Rudolph just kind of tagged along like noobs.”

“I do not like noobs. Curse noobs.” Luna said moodily, then she paused and slowly leaned over to Twilight, asking awkwardly: “What is a noob?”

Twilight only shook her head, as Scrivener gestured upwards as he said: “They finally made it to the top of the... oh buck I forgot who the bad guy is and the stupid elements. Give me a second.”

Both of the mares stared at him as Scrivener grimaced, rubbing at his head as he grumbled to himself for a few seconds, before he nodded a few times as an idea finally came to him that suited the rest of the story's mood. “Uh. There. Okay, got it.

“They climbed to the top of the mountain and found the source of the evil rainbow of darkness. He was an evil, terrible...” Scrivener blanked for a moment on any possible names, then said awkwardly the first thing that came to mind: “Evil. He was Evil, with a capital E, because... that was his proper name and that is how we identify proper nouns.”

Twilight stared at him as Luna gazed up seriously, and Scrivener hurriedly continued: “Gimlet's axe did nothing! The elf's alternative lifestyle could not affect his karma, nor was there any evidence to show that his lifestyle choices were having a negative impact on his... uh... life!”

There was silence for a moment, and then the stallion leaned forwards, continuing with a little more confidence: “But then came Steve and Rudolph, and Evil quailed! Evil feared! Evil vomited a little in his mouth at the sight of their horrible matching socks! Evil trembled in his boots at their fawning eyes! Evil really did not like them.

“Steve and Rudolph realized that only they could defeat Evil. So together, they used all their powers to fight him!” Scrivener extolled, gesturing with one hoof, and Twilight couldn't help but smile in amusement as Luna clapped her hooves childishly, looking up with delight.

“They offered him socks and backrubs! Evil was knocked off his feet, gasping for breath!

“They made him dinner and gave him decor tips! Evil howled in misery, crying out for mercy!

“But there was no mercy to be had, as Rudolph and Steve poured their delicious creamy white nog all over Evil! And Evil was sent packing, leaping up to rip down his evil rainbow of darkness and take it somewhere much less gay...” Scrivener cleared his throat, even as Luna giggled wildly behind her hooves and Twilight dropped her head and rolled her eyes in half-amusement, half-exasperation. “I mean, less happy, accommodating and helpful. Less happy, accommodating and helpful.

“And Steve and Rudolph realized that they had the true power of Hearth's Warming Eve. They had the greatest power, in all the known universe. They had the power of gay love.” Scrivener said almost solemnly. “And no evil in the world can stand up to the power of gay love.

“Then they all went home. The elf returned to the elf's alternative lifestyle, but stopped long enough to introduce the elf's partner. A gorgeous lady elf.” Scrivener continued pleasantly, and Luna giggled and nodded fervently as Twilight looked up at the stallion with mild entertainment. “Gimlet was stumped. But the elf had a good sense of humor and laughed, and said: 'No, silly, I'm a girl!' And the elf went inside, leaving Gimlet to stare in horror before he blurted: 'So I could have been hitting on her this entire time without feeling g... I mean, without risking my masculinity?' Then he threw his arms up towards the sky and howled in dismay and misery so great that ones got mixed in with his exclamation marks. 'Come back, hot elf lady!'”

Scrivener threw up his forelegs to emphasize this, and Luna laughed and threw her own forelegs up into the air before toppling over onto her back, giggling as Twilight rolled her eyes, both at Scrivener and the sapphire mare's childishness.

Then the stallion dropped his hooves into his lap and finished: “Then Gimlet slumped off miserably home to go kill some more people. Or wood. Whatever came first. And Rudolph and Steve went home, together, to have a glass of creamy hot somewhat salty gooey nog together, having saved the entire universe with their stereotypical gaiety.”

“A most gay story!” Luna exclaimed cheerfully, sitting quickly back up with a wide grin, and Twilight gave her a dry look before the sapphire mare grinned and slapped the mare on the back cheerfully. “Oh, do not be like that, Twilight Sparkle. So Scrivener Blooms cannot ever tell a story without being offensive. That is why Celestia made him Court Poet, those many years ago. 'Tis also why he was often beaten with sticks.”

Scrivener Blooms shrugged, then he said mildly: “Don't forget the unicorns. Never got along with unicorns. That includes you, Twilight, as I recall.”

“I remember those days. And days like today, well.” Twilight smiled despite herself, looking up at him with amusement. “I both remember why we never got along and... why we became friends in the first place. And Luna, well...”

She looked over at the sapphire mare, who grinned at her widely, her eyes twinkling with mischief... and after a moment, Twilight sighed before leaning over and kissing the sapphire mare's cheek, making her blink, then blush slightly in surprise as the violent pony said gently: “Happy Hearth's Warming Eve, Luna. Happy Hearth's Warming Eve, Scrivener Blooms.”

“Happy Hearth's Warming Eve, Twilight Sparkle.” Scrivener paused, then winked, asking in a mockingly cheery voice: “So are you going to write a letter to Celestia now about how even when things are serious, you learned today that you can't take everything seriously?”

Twilight Sparkle only gave another sigh, and yet all the same she couldn't help but smile with amusement all the same at these two strange ponies who brought her such a strange mix of frustration and joy. After all, she certainly wouldn't be forgetting the story of Steve and Hearth's Warming Eve anytime soon... even if she kind of wished that just once, Scrivener and Luna would act like normal, not-so-offensive ponies.

But then again, like Luna liked to say... where would be the fun in that?

The Return Of The Steve, Part 2

"The griffons were a bad idea!" Steve yelled, because why the buck would you think it would be safe to fly towards a giant evil rainbow when it's guarded by motherbucking dragons and level twenty magic users and a giant eye on a tower shooting death beams at everything it sees the eagles griffons are really easy to say would work just perfectly, but do you really think the giant death tower with the clearly hypersensitive anxiety-suffering OCD eye looking everywhere at once is going to just go HO HUM THERE'S NOTHING STRANGE ABOUT THOSE HUGE SHAPES COMING RIGHT TOWARDS ME? No. He's going to fire his motherbucking lasers right down their motherbucking throat.
Which is what happened to Steve and his Fellowship. Fortunately only the expendable griffons were hit and turned into fried chicken. They all fell to the ground, but there was no falling damage because Rudolph saved Steve with his secret flying powers, the dwarf was too angry to be hurt by a fall - and too busy eating the fried chicken griffon - and the elf just gaily floated down because gravity is a homosexual force elves are magic.
Luna this is hurting me to write. Don't you care? No. Of course you don't.
Anyway, so our fellowship has landed in the evil land of Ying Ooo Rodom. The evil land of Rodom was full of evil things. But Steve wasn't afraid because he had his trusty friend Rudolph with him, the angry dwarf Gimlet, and the elf with an alternative lifestyle. Fortunately, they were out of sight of the giant evil eye that was guarding the dark rainbow of darkness behind a giant rock. And the eye was awful at math so it completely miscalculated their fall trajectory. Which was a tragedy. A tragedy of trajectory. But not a tragectory trajedy because while phonetically correct it's incorrect because LANGUAGE IS STUPID.
They were not safe from the dragons and the level twenty magic users. But thankfully Rudolph and Steve both had cartoon physics and thus could not be killed, while Gimlet was a cruel evil bastard great hero who took great joy in lopping off limbs and torturing people which if the bad guys had done it would have been war crimes but because they were doing it in the name of Hearth's Warming Eve it was totally fine. Because really, no one liked these guys anyway.
And that was how the Equestrian Inquisition and three hundred years of horrific oppression began.
And that was how Gimlet saved the day. Although the elf helped too with bondage gear rope and restraints.
Our group of morons noble heroes continued on their way after rolling a natural twenty carefully and systematically devising a plan to travel forwards. They dealt with wild monster encounters enemy patrols and only stopped to save rest once on the entire journey. Steve was very proud of himself and his friends. Although Gimlet refused to share any hugs with anyone because of extreme insecurity about his sexual preference ultra-macho manliness, Steve and Rudolph hugged often. And carried each other often. And Steve bought Rudolph a set of his very own socks at a Rodom gift shop, where they paused to get directions to the top of the mountain to destroy the One Ring evil rainbow of darkness.
They made their way up the mountain with many epic battles. They fought flying monkeys and shadow elves and rubber ducks necks golems and evil living trees. And zombies. There were many epic slow-motion moments and the elf fired arrows in every direction and somehow always got a headshot while Gimlet got many critical hit and dismemberment bonuses and Steve and Rudolph just kind of tagged along like noobs.
They finally made it to the top of the oh buck I forgot who the bad guy is and the stupid elements. Give me a second.
Uh.
There.
Okay, got it.
They climbed to the top of the mountain and found the source of the evil rainbow of darkness. He was an evil, terrible... evil. He was Evil, with a capital E, because that was his proper name and that is how we identify proper nouns. Gimlet's axe did nothing! The elf's alternative lifestyle could not affect his karma, nor was there any evidence to show that his lifestyle choices were having a negative impact on his... uh... life!
But then came Steve and Rudolph, and Evil quailed! Evil feared! Evil vomited a little in his mouth at the sight of their horrible matching socks! Evil trembled in his boots at their fawning eyes! Evil really did not like them.
Steve and Rudolph realized that only they could defeat Evil. So together, they used all their powers to fight him!
They offered him socks and backrubs! Evil was knocked off his feet, gasping for breath!
They made him dinner and gave him decor tips! Evil howled in misery, crying out for mercy!
But there was no mercy to be had, as Rudolph and Steve poured their delicious creamy white nog all over Evil! And Evil was sent packing, leaping up to rip down his evil rainbow of darkness and take it somewhere much less gay accommodating and helpful!
And Steve and Rudolph realized that they had the true power of Hearth's Warming Eve. They had the greatest power, in all the known universe. They had the power of gay love. And no evil in the world can stand up to the power of gay love.
Then they all went home. The elf returned to the elf's alternative lifestyle, but stopped long enough to introduce the elf's partner. A gorgeous lady elf.
Gimlet was stumped. But the elf had a good sense of humor and laughed, and said: "No, silly, I'm a girl!"
And the elf went inside, leaving Gimlet to stare in horror before he blurted: "So I could have been hitting on her this entire time without feeling gay?" Then he threw his arms up towards the sky and howled in dismay and misery so great that ones got mixed in with his exclamation marks. "COME BACK, HOT ELF LADY!"
Then Gimlet slumped off miserably home to go kill some more people.
And Rudolph and Steve went home, together, to have a glass of creamy hot somewhat salty gooey nog together, having saved the entire universe with their stereotypical gaiety.

THE END.

The Fellowship Of The Steve, Part 1

Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria, there was a pony named Steve.
What the hell kind of beginning is that?
Steve loved all the other ponies, and he loved his nation, and he loved his socks, which he always wore for some strange reason - although much stranger still was the fact other ponies seemed to uncomfortably ogle him whenever he wore his socks like it was some kind of pseudo-sexual metaphor. But most of all, Steve loved Hearth's Warming Eve.
Hearth's Warming Eve was about coming together! Hearth's Warming Eve was about uh... friends and.... things that are normally celebrated every single day in Equestria anyway but it was a totally special day all the same because. There was snow. Which otherwise there is usually a strange absence of in spite of Equestria supposedly having regular seasons. Also there was a lot of candy and people gave each other things.
But one year, Steve heard that Hearth's Warming Eve was going to be cancelled, because of plot contrivance or something like that.
Scrivener Blooms, write this seriously!
I am being serious. I am being very serious. Oh, fine.
It also had to do with the evil and terrifying darkness that was spreading through the skies of Equestria and threatening to bring eternal night
Okay okay. Stop. Scowling at me like that, Luna. I'll change it.
threatening to bring eternal lack of candy. And it was a very brightly-colored darkness. Like evil rainbows. It was the evil rainbow of darkness.
I feel like that's been used somewhere before.
Steve knew the only way to defeat the rainbow of darkness was to create a rainbow of light. And so with that in mind he set out to find the one ring magic slippers elements of harmony Hearth's-Warmingness.
Steve searched high and low across the land. During his travels, he came across the mystical Roland Rapunzel Rasputin Rudolph the muscular flying magical drunken reindeer. He was drunk on red-dyed pony nog, and it was very dark BECAUSE REASONS because of the evil rainbow of darkness spreading over the skies. It was a very slow-moving rainbow because it was getting paid by the hour and had a strong union representing its interests, thus it used the excuse that it wanted to do as good a job as possible to be lazy and build the dramatic tension.
Steve never would have noticed the drunken reindeer, except all that red-dyed nog had saturated his most bulbous nose. Adding to that the rhinophyma aggravated by alcohol-induced rosacea, it caused his nose to have a most Celestial crimson glow, like the setting sun a tomato. On fire. And angry about it.
So Steve walked over and slapped the reindeer out of his drunken stupor, then said: "Come with me if you want to live."
Rudolph didn't particularly want to live. So Steve slapped him around a little until he felt like living again. Luna that's not how you fix everything OKAY FINE LEAVING IT IN. After that they became magically the best of friends.
Steve and Rudolph made their way onwards, using his glowing nose to help them see through the dark night. Eventually, they entered a terrible forest, which Rudolph said was known for being full of evil and terrible creatures. But Steve felt that the power of implied homosexuality Hearth's Warming Eve would protect him. So they made their way through the dark and treacherous forest, pressing very close to each other's sides only because they were scared and stopping to give each other backrubs merely because they got sore and it helped calm them down.
They heard a stalliony grunting noise eventually. The two made their way to this, Steve a little more eager than Rudolph. Rudolph at least had the sense to call out: "Are you clopping over there?"
"I'm chopping!" shouted a voice back. Steve did not hear chopping. Instead he giggled and pranced into the clearing... and stared with horror at the sight of a large, muscular dwarf angrily cutting up THE MANGLED BODIES OF ALL OF HIS FRIENDS wait Hearth's Warming Eve story, right a lot of wood.
"That poor wood!" cried Steve. "What are you doing, you murderer?"
"I'm cutting it. I like to cut things. With my mighty axe." The terrible dwarf held up his terrible axe, and there was a crescendo of singing from the birds. "Shut up, birds!"
"There aren't any birds here." Rudolph remarked, much more confident now that they saw this wasn't another pony and likely would not interfere with his love interest friendship with Steve. "Mr. Steve, I think we should just keep going. We need to reach the river elves the elements of harmony Hearth's Warming Eve."
"I'll come with you. There will be treasure and things to kill. Trees are boring." growled the dwarf, and then Gimlet joined the party.
This party of masculine males made their way forwards on a quest to save gay joyous Hearth's Warming Eve. They left the evil forest and resumed their journey towards wherever the hell Steve was taking them, no one was really sure and Gimlet wasn't the talkative type and Rudolph just trusted in his secret love partner friend who kept him from drinking more red nog but let him have white gooey nog instead. Delicious white gooey nog.
Unfortunately all of their masculinity attracted a gay elf. He came gaily prancing out of his gay little household all done up gaily with gayfeathers and pansies and other flowers in a rainbow of colors, and he wore a cute little tutu and sparkly shoes and had a gay smile upon his gaily-beaming face.
Gimlet also thought that the elf was disturbingly pretty probably not of heterosexual orientation. But he thought that of all elves because he was a dwarf. While the elf only thought that Gimlet was cute and adorable and he wished he could dress him up in ribbons.
"Hello! I am the happiest of all elves! I can tell you're going to save Hearth's Warming Eve, the gayest of all the holidays, so I'm going to come with you! Let's cover the world in a thick frosting of love!" cried the gay elf happily.
So they made their way onwards, following the road. And because of pure plot contrivance destiny that road led them straight to Canterlot, where the evil mighty Celestia sat upon her evil mighty throne. She was very evil mighty. And fat. She had an evil important mission for them, and they were all happy to do her bidding take upon this evil mighty quest.
Luna I won't write the story if you keep. Yes. Go sit over there. Go. CORNER.
And so Celestia said to Steve: "To stop the evil rainbow of darkness you must use the stupid sacred elements of harmony Hearth's Warming Eveity to summon Puff the Magic Dragon the rainbow of light. You will not succeed alone, though, ring-bearer sock-wearer. You will need help."
Steve looked back at the friends he had made, and they all looked back at Steve. He begged pleaded prostrated smiled hopefully.
"You have my nose!" declared Rudolph
"And my axe!" roared Gimlet the Dwarf.
"And my alternative lifestyle!" cried the gay elf.
And thus was the Fellowship of Steve born.
"Also I'll give you flying eagles griffons to take you right to the rainbow of death metal darkness so we can skip a montage sequence save our nation before it is too late." Celestia said wisely.

TO BE CONCLUDED NEXT WEEK

I feel like half my brain just died.

Hearth's Warming Steve: The Start Of Something New

Luna and I aren't really holiday people. Sure, she likes Hearth's Warming Eve. Why? Because of presents and an excuse to eat candy and chocolate and cakes and sugary stuff all night, that's why. But when we first discussed this holiday, she thought I said Hearth's Warming Steve.
So apparently now there is a pony, Hearth's Warming Steve, who must go around and give candy and presents to all the foals. Luna has asked me to tell the story of Hearth's Warming Steve and I really don't want to. But apparently she wants this to become a thing and. You know Luna. So. I guess I will be chronicling the stories of Hearth's Warming Steve for the next while.
It's at times like these I kind of wish that I had just stayed dead. Except I wonder sometimes if maybe demons are all just like Luna, and that's hell.

~Scrivener Blooms