An Idea

So helping people learn how to write is tricky. I mean, ultimately, writing is like everything else. You have to practice, do the basics over and over, things like that. And expanding your horizons, studying a variety of authors and styles of writing, and working on making yourself write in a variety of ways... that all helps a lot, too. But again, it comes down to doing.
So I think between my rambling poking at some particular points of writing, I think I'm going to start using this more for a bit of serial writing. I'll work on little story bits here and there and post up a chapter once or so a week. I mean, it's kind of ironic, but you can't learn how to write from reading a book. You have to do it. You have to practice it. And the best lesson I can give I've said again and again. Don't get discouraged. Don't make excuses, citing... lack of time, motivation, things like that. You can't let yourself get discouraged: you have to push and push, and keep yourself writing no matter what. You have to practice it: even if you're born with the innate talent to... weave words together well or a natural ability to spell or anything like that, if you can't endure, can't keep yourself writing through good and bad, and I really mean good as much as bad, you'll never reach the accomplishments you could.
I could go on and on about that but. I'll cut it short. You can always read my old posts, after all. So expect more stories. And enjoy.

~Scrivener Blooms

A Scrivener Carol: Hearth's Warming Steve [Full Version]

A Scrivener Carol: Hearth's Warming Steve

“Scrivener Blooms, I demand that thou tells us a story!” a sapphire mare ordered, raising her head high. And slowly, the charcoal stallion rose his head from his book, grouchily brushing back his ivory mane before he adjusted his little glasses over his brown eyes, one of which had a large, distinct hoof-shaped scar surrounding it.

“How about no, Luna?” Scrivener said flatly, glowering at the winged unicorn. But the mare only glared challengingly back, her starlight mane almost sparking with her determination. Or bossiness. Scrivy couldn't figure out which it was, really.

She poked at him firmly with her horn, and Scrivener flailed crankily back at her, lightly slapping the black pearl inscribed with a rose blossom that hung around her neck. The two grumbled at each other, until a third voice said from in front of the fireplace: “I think that's a great idea.”

Luna grinned brightly, and Scrivener groaned, glowering over at the second mare: a winged unicorn like Luna, but she was purple, with a pretty raven-colored mane that had two streaks of color in it. She smiled up at Scrivener, and Luna immediately rose her head and declared: “See? Thou cannot deny both myself and Twilight Sparkle, now can thee, Scrivy?”

“You cannot. Shut up.” Scrivener grumbled, and Luna huffed at him as Twilight tilted her head, sitting up on the futon. But then the stallion sighed, saying awkwardly: “Look. I'm just. Really not at all a fan of Hearth's Warming Eve, okay? It's a dumb holiday.”

“Then make it better! Thou wert Court Poet, wert thou not? Before thou received the much more admirable position of being my secretary, that is.” Luna said pompously, and Scrivener Blooms groaned before smiling awkwardly at the two mares as Twilight stepped forwards.

“Luna's right, Scrivener. You were the Court Poet once... and... why don't you have fun with it?” she encouraged, smiling back at him warmly.

Scrivener Blooms only grunted, not looking precisely enthused, so the violet mare hesitated before trying a different tactic: “Or are you worried because you don't think you can do it?”

“Oh, yes, appeal to my pride. Because I really have a lot of that. Or bruise my poor sensitive little ego with your hurtful, hurtful words, that's really showing the magic of friendship, Twilight.” Scrivener said dryly, and then he winced when Luna poked at him again with her horn.

“I will bruise thy great dumb body if thou do not tell us a Hearth's Warming Eve story.” Luna threatened, and Scrivener winced a bit at this before she added loudly: “And I will lock thee in the bedroom and ravish Twilight Sparkle all night long out here on the floor, as well, whether thou art my husband or not.”

Twilight cleared her throat awkwardly at this, leaning away from Luna, and Scrivener dropped his face in a hoof before he mumbled: “Great. Great. Oh... fine, stop. Threatening to be a jerk, Luna, and you stop giving me puppy eyes, Twilight. Then sit down and shut up if you want the story.”

Luna and Twilight both sat back on the futon as Scrivener turned his chair around, resting back in it as the mares looked up at him expectantly. He looked back, tapping at his chin for a moment before clearing his throat and beginning:

“Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria, there was a pony named... Steve.”

Scrivener halted, then mumbled to himself as he rubbed absently at his own face: “What the hell kind of beginning is that?”

Luna glared at him and Twilight only motioned for him to go on, however, so Scrivener Blooms sighed before gesturing absently with a hoof as he continued in a droll voice: “Steve loved all the other ponies, and he loved his nation, and he loved his socks, which he always wore for some strange reason... although much stranger still was the fact other ponies seemed to uncomfortably ogle him whenever he wore his socks like it was some kind of pseudo-sexual metaphor. But most of all, Steve loved Hearth's Warming Eve.”

Scrivener halted, saw that even though Twilight was looking at him pointedly, Luna was gesturing wildly for him to go on with a delighted grin on her face, so the stallion sighed again before throwing his forelegs wide and continuing in a falsely-cheerful voice: “Hearth's Warming Eve was about coming together! Hearth's Warming Eve was about uh... friends and.... things that are normally celebrated every single day in Equestria anyway but it was a totally special day all the same because. There was snow. Which otherwise there is usually a strange absence of in spite of Equestria supposedly having regular seasons. Also there was a lot of candy and people gave each other things.”

Luna nodded fervently, and Twilight slowly closed her eyes.

Then, Scrivener continued in a voice so falsely-serious it was almost patronizing: “But one year, Steve heard that Hearth's Warming Eve was going to be canceled, because of... plot contrivance or something like that.”

“Scrivy, come on, please try and take this seriously.” Twilight broke in, looking at him pleadingly. “You were Court Poet!”

“I am being serious. I am being very serious.” Scrivener defended, and then he grumbled when Luna leaned forwards, eying him interrogatively. “Oh, fine.

“It... also had to do with the evil and terrifying darkness that was spreading through the skies of Equestria and threatening to bring eternal night.”

Scrivener had a moment to look pleased with himself, and then Luna growled at him and gestured violently at herself, and the stallion winced away from her glare and held up his hooves. “Okay okay. Stop. Scowling at me like that, Luna. I'll change it.

“It was... threatening to bring eternal lack of candy. And it was a very brightly-colored darkness. Like evil rainbows. It was the evil rainbow of darkness.”

Luna nodded firmly while Twilight only looked moody, and Scrivener glanced off to the side as he mumbled to himself: “I feel like that's been used somewhere before.”

He stopped, glanced back at the expectant mares, then cleared his throat before continuing: “So uh... Steve knew the only way to defeat the rainbow of darkness was to create a rainbow of light. And so with that in mind he set out to find the... one ring. No, I mean the magic slippers.” A pause, a lame grin: “The elements of... harmony?

Luna and Twilight both gave him a flat look, so the stallion rolled his eyes before saying flatly: “Fine, the elements of Hearth's-Warmingness.”

Luna nodded firmly, while Twilight only grimaced, but didn't say anything further. So Scrivener continued: “Steve searched high and low across the land. During his travels, he came across the mystical... Roland.”

Luna scowled. “Rapunzel?” Luna continue to scowl. “Rasputin?”

The sapphire mare stomped a hoof, and Scrivener groaned before half-questioning finally: “Rudolph?”

Luna nodded firmly as Twilight sighed again, and Scrivener began grumpily: “Rudolph, the muscular...”

The sapphire mare glared at him intensely again, and Scrivener grumbled, with Luna stomping at each unwanted descriptor: “Flying? No, well. Magical? Oh, fine, the drunken reindeer. Rudolph the drunken reindeer!”

Luna looked thoughtful, then she nodded a few times as Twilight looked at her pleadingly, and Scrivener rubbed slowly at his face before he said waspishly: “He was drunk on red-dyed pony nog, and it was very dark because reasons.”

Now Twilight looked at him, and Scrivener looked back before rolling his eyes and explaining tiredly: “Because of the evil rainbow of darkness spreading over the skies. It was a very slow-moving rainbow because... it was getting paid by the hour and had a strong union representing its interests, thus it used the excuse that it wanted to do as good a job as possible to be lazy and build the dramatic tension.”

Twilight only shook her head tiredly, but Luna was leaning forwards expectantly, so Scrivener Blooms continued dryly: “Steve never would have noticed the drunken reindeer, except all that red-dyed nog had saturated his most bulbous nose. Adding to that the rhinophyma aggravated by alcohol-induced rosacea, it caused his nose to have a most celestial-”

Luna growled, and Scrivener hurriedly corrected: “I mean, crimson glow, like the setting sun-” Another glare at this metaphor, and the stallion said quickly: “Tomato. On fire. And angry about it.”

There was silence for a moment, and then Luna huffed and straightened as Twilight rolled her eyes. The stallion decided that it was probably for the best to pick up the story while he had the chance. “So Steve walked over and slapped the reindeer out of his drunken stupor, then said: 'Come with me if you want to live.'

“Rudolph didn't particularly want to live. So Steve-”

“Pummeled him further until he felt like living again!” Luna finished in a positive voice.

Twilight stared at the mare, and Scrivener sighed before saying sourly: “Luna, that's not how you fix every-”

Luna glared at him, leaning forwards challengingly, and the stallion threw up his forelegs in exasperation, snapping: “Okay, fine, leaving it in!”

There was a long, awkward silence for a few moments as Luna sat back primly and sniffed loudly. Twilight dropped her head in one hoof, rubbing slowly at her forehead as if she had a headache, and Scrivener settled himself before saying flatly: “He pummeled him until he felt like living again. After that they magically became the best of friends.”

No one argued, so Scrivy continued: “Steve and Rudolph made their way onwards, using his glowing nose to help them see through the dark night. Eventually, they entered a terrible forest, which Rudolph said was known for being full of evil and terrible creatures. But Steve felt that the power of implied homosexuality-”

Twilight cleared her throat, and Scrivener grumbled, then corrected: “The power of Hearth's Warming Eve would protect them. So they made their way through the dark and treacherous forest, pressing very close to each other's sides only because they were scared and stopping to give each other backrubs merely because they got sore and it helped calm them down.”

Luna giggled like a filly even as Twilight only shook her head. Scrivener, however, simply crossed his forelegs and kept on with the story as seriously as he could. “They heard a stalliony grunting noise eventually. The two made their way to this, Steve a little more eager than Rudolph. Rudolph at least had the sense to call out: 'Are you clopping over there?'”

The sapphire mare chortled childishly behind her hooves, and Twilight glared at Scrivener. But the stallion was undeterred as he went on: “'I'm chopping!' shouted a voice back. Steve did not hear chopping. Instead he giggled and pranced into the clearing... and stared with horror at the sight of a large, muscular dwarf angrily cutting up the mangled bodies of all his friends!”

Luna stopped giggling and glared at him, and Twilight simply stared until Scrivener muttered: “Wait. Hearth's Warming Eve story, right. Fine. He was cutting up a lot of wood.

“'That poor wood!' cried Steve. 'What are you doing, you murderer?'

“'I'm cutting it. I like to cut things. With my mighty axe.' The terrible dwarf held up his terrible axe, and there was a crescendo of singing from the birds. 'Shut up, birds!'

“'There aren't any birds here.' Rudolph remarked, much more confident now that they saw this wasn't another pony and likely would not interfere with his love interest-”

Twilight gave him a pointed look, and Scrivener waved a hoof as he said grumpily: “Friendship with Steve. 'Mr. Steve, I think we should just keep going. We need to reach the river elves-'”

“No, elves are evil, Scrivy! Wicked, terrible things!” Luna complained.

“And I don't think that has anything to do with the story...” Twilight added awkwardly. “In fact, a lot of what you're saying doesn't have much to do with anything...”

Scrivener glowered at them both, then said crankily: “'The elements of harmony-'” Glares from both mares, and Scrivener corrected after a moment: “'Hearth's Warming Eve.'”

There was silence, and then Scrivener continued grouchily when no one had any further objections: “'I'll come with you. There will be treasure and things to kill. Trees are boring.' growled the dwarf, and then Gimlet joined the party.

“This party of masculine males made their way forwards on a quest to save gay-”

“I know you're doing that on purpose.” Twilight said disapprovingly.

“I clearly meant joyous Hearth's Warming Eve. They left the evil forest and resumed their journey towards wherever the hell Steve was taking them, no one was really sure and Gimlet wasn't the talkative type and Rudolph just trusted in his secret love partner... I mean, his friend who kept him from drinking more red nog but let him have white gooey nog instead. Delicious white gooey nog.”

Scrivener rose his hooves and made twiddling gestures with it as he glared challengingly at Twilight, and Luna giggled wildly as Twilight only looked huffily back... then stared when the stallion announced: “Unfortunately all of their masculinity attracted a gay elf. The elf came gaily prancing out of the gay little elf household all done up gaily with gayfeathers and pansies and other flowers in a rainbow of colors, and the elf wore a cute little tutu and sparkly shoes and had a gay smile upon the elf's gaily-beaming face.”

Twilight was clearly doing her best not to take the bait, while Luna was continuing to giggle away. “Gimlet also thought that the elf was disturbingly pretty-”

“You can't keep making immature jokes like that!” Twilight blurted, glaring up at him. “You of all ponies should know... I... wait, you said-”

“Fine, I won't make another immature joke like that again. You're right, talking about someone's appearance is very not politically correct.” Scrivener said pompously, then he leaned forwards and continued in a cheerful voice: “He thought the elf was probably not of heterosexual orientation. But he thought that about all elves because he was a dwarf. While the elf only thought that Gimlet was cute and adorable and wished the dwarf would dress up all in ribbons.”

One of Twilight's eyes twitched, but Luna only shushed her and rubbed her back soothingly, letting Scrivener continue in a squeaky voice: “'Hello! I am the happiest of all elves! I can tell you're going to save Hearth's Warming Eve, the gayest of all the holidays, so I'm going to come with you! Let's cover the world in a thick frosting of love!' cried the gay elf happily.”

Luna and Twilight both stared, and then Scrivener cleared his throat and continued hurriedly: “So they made their way onwards, following the road. And because of pure plot contrivance-”

Both mares cleared their throats, so Scrivener rolled his eyes and corrected dryly: “Destiny, that road led them straight to Canterlot, where the mighty Celestia-”

“Evil Celestia!” Luna shouted immediately.

Scrivener stopped to look at her sourly, then continue: “Where she sat upon her mighty-”

“Evil!”

“Throne.” Scrivener said flatly, glaring at Luna as Twilight gave a silent groan. “She was very mighty-”

“And fat.” Luna announced loudly.

“She had an important-”

“Evil!”

“Mission for them, and they were all happy to-”

“Do her bidding!” Luna exclaimed cheerfully.

“Take upon this mighty-”

“Evil!”

“Quest.” Scrivener stopped, took a slow breath, as he rose his hooves, then he said crankily: “Luna, I won't tell the story if... you...”

Luna was giggling wildly, looking up at him childishly, and Scrivener groaned before pointing at the far side of the room. “Luna, go over there. Over there. Corner!”

The sapphire mare groaned loudly and flopped on her back, then mumbled as both Scrivener and Twilight gave her sour looks before she rolled over and crawled away on her stomach. The stallion composed himself, then he continued: “And so Celestia said to Steve: 'To stop the evil rainbow of darkness you must use the stupid-'” He stopped and cleared his throat again. “'The sacred elements of harm- Hearth's Warming Eveity to summon... Puff the Magic Dragon.'”

Luna blew a raspberry at him as Twilight cocked an eyebrow, and Scrivener grumbled before saying dryly: “'The rainbow of light.'” No one seemed to have any problems with this apart from Scrivener, so he sighed and continued: “'You will not succeed alone, though, ring-bearer... er, sock-wearer. You will need help.'

“Steve looked back at the friends he had made, and they all looked back at Steve. Scrivener paused dramatically, then said: “He begged-”

“Not to interrupt but... I don't think 'begged' is a good word for a hero asking for help from his friends...” Twilight said hesitantly.

“Pleaded?” Scrivener tilted his head curiously. Twilight glowered. “Prostrated?”

“How about he smiles? If they're really his friends, he shouldn't have to ask at all, right?”

“He should have to beg a little.” Luna grumbled, and Scrivener Blooms grunted in agreement, but then he groaned when Twilight looked at him with that small, hopeful smile of hers that always... dammit.

“Fine. He 'smiled hopefully.'”

“'You have my nose!' declared Rudolph.

“'And my axe!' roared Gimlet the dwarf.

“'And my alternative lifestyle!' cried the gay elf.

“And thus was the Fellowship of Steve born.” Scrivener finished dramatically.

Then the stallion couldn't resist undercutting himself as he added: “'Also I'll give you flying eagles-”

“I hate eagles.” complained Luna. “They are an evil bird. Like puffed-up hawks. And I do not like hawks at all.”

Scrivener sighed, then substituted: “'Griffins, to take you right to the rainbow of death metal-”

“Uh, Scrivy...”

“Darkness so we can skip a montage sequence-” Twilight glared at him, and Luna decided to glare as well, even though she probably didn't know what the hell that even meant. “I mean, 'save our nation before it is too late.' Celestia said wisely.”

There was silence for a few long moments, and then Luna asked slowly: “And?”

“What do you mean, 'and?' It's not Hearth's Warming Eve yet. I think that's enough for one night.” Scrivener said dryly, and then he winced when Luna leapt to her hooves and huffed at him.

But Twilight hurriedly rose a hoof before the sapphire mare could charge, and then she said encouragingly: “But well... even if you're not being... really serious about it, we both like listening to you. And the story sounds, well... I mean... it's unique...”

“It is not. It is the answer to what one fool's hoof clapping sounds like: he is slapping himself. But I enjoy when Scrivener slaps himself.” Luna paused, then leaned forwards, leering. “I enjoy when he does other things to himself, too.”

Scrivener winced and leaned backwards, and then Luna said loudly: “And as there is nothing better to do, thou shall finish this story or I will make thee entertain Twilight and I in those other ways!”

The stallion groaned... but understood all too well that Luna was serious, and while he was a large stallion, she was... well, evil and mean and liked to hit him. So he only nodded grudgingly, then settled himself into his seat as Luna nodded primly and hopped forwards to sit herself down beside Twilight Sparkle.

The two settled in, and Scrivener Blooms rubbed meditatively at his face as he lowered his head, trying to think of how to begin. But after a few moments, he thought the perfect way to start came to him. Or rather...

“'The griffins were a bad idea!' Steve yelled, because why the buck would you think it would be safe to fly towards a giant evil rainbow when it's guarded by motherbucking dragons and level twenty magic users and a giant eye on a tower shooting death beams at everything it sees? Oh, sure, it's easy to say the eagles... griffins would work just perfectly, but do you really think the giant death tower with the clearly hypersensitive anxiety-suffering OCD eye looking everywhere at once is going to just go 'ho hum, there's absolutely nothing strange about those giant-ass birds with riders coming towards me?' No. He's going to fire his motherbucking lasers right down their motherbucking collective throat.”

Twilight and Luna both stared, and Scrivener cleared his throat and awkwardly brushed himself off before continuing in a much more pleasant voice: “Which is what happened to Steve and his Fellowship. Fortunately only the expendable griffins were hit and turned into fried chicken. They all fell to the ground, but there was no falling damage because Rudolph saved Steve with his secret flying powers, the dwarf was too angry to be hurt by a fall – and too busy eating the fried chicken... uh, I mean, griffin – and the elf just gaily floated down because gravity is a homosexual force-”

“No it's not. It's a force where like attracts like.” Twilight Sparkle began, then she frowned after a moment and glared at Scrivener as he opened his mouth. “Don't even say it.”

“Oh, fine. Spoilsport. Because elves are magic.” Scrivener said dryly, and Luna huffed loudly before the stallion looked over at her pointedly. “Luna, this is already hurting my brain to come up with. Don't you care? No. Of course you don't.”

Luna nodded violently as Twilight Sparkle shook her head slowly, and then Scrivener Blooms continued: “Anyway, so our fellowship has landed in the evil land of Ying.”

“That rhymes with ding. That cannot be evil.” Luna complained.

“Okay, the land of... Ooo.”

Twilight frowned, and Luna huffed, asking with mock seriousness: “And are they inhabited by the terrible 'ahs?'”

Scrivener scowled at Luna, wondering why it was that she was always sharpest when he was trying to do something. So after a moment, he said finally: “Rodom.”

Neither mare protested at this name, so Scrivener continued: “The evil land of Rodom was full of evil things. But Steve wasn't afraid because he had his trusty friend Rudolph with him, the angry dwarf Gimlet, and the elf with an alternative lifestyle. Fortunately, they were out of sight of the giant evil eye that was guarding the dark rainbow of darkness behind a giant rock. And the eye was awful at math so it completely miscalculated their fall trajectory. Which was a tragedy. A tragedy of trajectory. But not a tragectory trajedy because while phonetically correct it's incorrect because language is stupid.”

Luna nodded seriously as if she perfectly understood, while Twilight winced, then argued, as if she could see what he'd done with those words: “There's reasons behind the differences between phonetic pronunciation and the prescribed way that the words of our language are to be written-”

“They were not safe from the dragons and the level twenty magic users.” Scrivener interrupted loudly, and Twilight glared at him. “But thankfully Rudolph and Steve both had cartoon physics and thus could not be killed, while Gimlet was a cruel evil bastard-”

“Hearth's Warming Eve story, Scrivy.” Twilight corrected sourly, still glaring at him, while Luna giggled at the look on the violet mare's face.

“A great hero who took great joy in lopping off limbs and torturing people which if the bad guys had done it would have been war crimes, but because they were doing it in the name of Hearth's Warming Eve, hey, it was totally fine. Because really, no one liked these guys anyway.” Scrivener corrected dryly. “And that was how the Equestrian Inquisition and three hundred years of horrific oppression began.”

Luna nodded seriously, but Twilight gestured at Scrivener pleadingly, and the stallion sighed before saying in a mild voice: “And that was how Gimlet saved the day. Although the elf helped too with bondage gear-” Luna giggled and Twilight twitched. “I mean, rope and restraints.

“Our group of morons... I mean, noble heroes continued on their way after rolling a natural twenty-”

“Twenty is not a magical number. It is a foolish number.” Luna interrupted, even though Twilight possibly gave the smallest of smiles behind a hoof.

“They carefully and systematically devised a plan to travel forwards. They dealt with wild monster encounters... I mean, enemy patrols and only stopped to save their game... uh, rest, once on the entire journey.” Scrivener said, keeping his face as straight as possible as Twilight shook her head, but smiled a little more, and Luna only scowled. “Steve was very proud of himself and his friends. Although Gimlet refused to share any hugs with anyone because of extreme insecurity about his sexual preference-”

“Haven't you made enough of those jokes?” Twilight asked in exasperation.

“Oh fine, because of ultra-macho masculinity. Steve and Rudolph hugged often. And carried each other often. And Steve bought Rudolph a set of his very own socks at a Rodom gift shop, where they paused to get directions to the top of the mountain to destroy the one ring... evil rainbow of darkness.

“They made their way up the mountain with many epic battles. They fought flying monkeys and shadow elves and rubber ducks-”

“Ducks are not threatening.” scoffed Luna. “They are not swans. Ducks are delightful. Their name even is delightful. Why, it rhymes with f-”

“Necks!” Scrivener interrupted immediately, then he cleared his throat when both Twilight and Luna stared at him. “Uh. Golems. I meant golems. And evil living trees. And zombies. There were many epic slow-motion moments and the elf fired arrows in every direction and somehow always got a headshot while Gimlet got many critical hit and dismemberment bonuses and Steve and Rudolph just kind of tagged along like noobs.”

“I do not like noobs. Curse noobs.” Luna said moodily, then she paused and slowly leaned over to Twilight, asking awkwardly: “What is a noob?”

Twilight only shook her head, as Scrivener gestured upwards as he said: “They finally made it to the top of the... oh buck I forgot who the bad guy is and the stupid elements. Give me a second.”

Both of the mares stared at him as Scrivener grimaced, rubbing at his head as he grumbled to himself for a few seconds, before he nodded a few times as an idea finally came to him that suited the rest of the story's mood. “Uh. There. Okay, got it.

“They climbed to the top of the mountain and found the source of the evil rainbow of darkness. He was an evil, terrible...” Scrivener blanked for a moment on any possible names, then said awkwardly the first thing that came to mind: “Evil. He was Evil, with a capital E, because... that was his proper name and that is how we identify proper nouns.”

Twilight stared at him as Luna gazed up seriously, and Scrivener hurriedly continued: “Gimlet's axe did nothing! The elf's alternative lifestyle could not affect his karma, nor was there any evidence to show that his lifestyle choices were having a negative impact on his... uh... life!”

There was silence for a moment, and then the stallion leaned forwards, continuing with a little more confidence: “But then came Steve and Rudolph, and Evil quailed! Evil feared! Evil vomited a little in his mouth at the sight of their horrible matching socks! Evil trembled in his boots at their fawning eyes! Evil really did not like them.

“Steve and Rudolph realized that only they could defeat Evil. So together, they used all their powers to fight him!” Scrivener extolled, gesturing with one hoof, and Twilight couldn't help but smile in amusement as Luna clapped her hooves childishly, looking up with delight.

“They offered him socks and backrubs! Evil was knocked off his feet, gasping for breath!

“They made him dinner and gave him decor tips! Evil howled in misery, crying out for mercy!

“But there was no mercy to be had, as Rudolph and Steve poured their delicious creamy white nog all over Evil! And Evil was sent packing, leaping up to rip down his evil rainbow of darkness and take it somewhere much less gay...” Scrivener cleared his throat, even as Luna giggled wildly behind her hooves and Twilight dropped her head and rolled her eyes in half-amusement, half-exasperation. “I mean, less happy, accommodating and helpful. Less happy, accommodating and helpful.

“And Steve and Rudolph realized that they had the true power of Hearth's Warming Eve. They had the greatest power, in all the known universe. They had the power of gay love.” Scrivener said almost solemnly. “And no evil in the world can stand up to the power of gay love.

“Then they all went home. The elf returned to the elf's alternative lifestyle, but stopped long enough to introduce the elf's partner. A gorgeous lady elf.” Scrivener continued pleasantly, and Luna giggled and nodded fervently as Twilight looked up at the stallion with mild entertainment. “Gimlet was stumped. But the elf had a good sense of humor and laughed, and said: 'No, silly, I'm a girl!' And the elf went inside, leaving Gimlet to stare in horror before he blurted: 'So I could have been hitting on her this entire time without feeling g... I mean, without risking my masculinity?' Then he threw his arms up towards the sky and howled in dismay and misery so great that ones got mixed in with his exclamation marks. 'Come back, hot elf lady!'”

Scrivener threw up his forelegs to emphasize this, and Luna laughed and threw her own forelegs up into the air before toppling over onto her back, giggling as Twilight rolled her eyes, both at Scrivener and the sapphire mare's childishness.

Then the stallion dropped his hooves into his lap and finished: “Then Gimlet slumped off miserably home to go kill some more people. Or wood. Whatever came first. And Rudolph and Steve went home, together, to have a glass of creamy hot somewhat salty gooey nog together, having saved the entire universe with their stereotypical gaiety.”

“A most gay story!” Luna exclaimed cheerfully, sitting quickly back up with a wide grin, and Twilight gave her a dry look before the sapphire mare grinned and slapped the mare on the back cheerfully. “Oh, do not be like that, Twilight Sparkle. So Scrivener Blooms cannot ever tell a story without being offensive. That is why Celestia made him Court Poet, those many years ago. 'Tis also why he was often beaten with sticks.”

Scrivener Blooms shrugged, then he said mildly: “Don't forget the unicorns. Never got along with unicorns. That includes you, Twilight, as I recall.”

“I remember those days. And days like today, well.” Twilight smiled despite herself, looking up at him with amusement. “I both remember why we never got along and... why we became friends in the first place. And Luna, well...”

She looked over at the sapphire mare, who grinned at her widely, her eyes twinkling with mischief... and after a moment, Twilight sighed before leaning over and kissing the sapphire mare's cheek, making her blink, then blush slightly in surprise as the violent pony said gently: “Happy Hearth's Warming Eve, Luna. Happy Hearth's Warming Eve, Scrivener Blooms.”

“Happy Hearth's Warming Eve, Twilight Sparkle.” Scrivener paused, then winked, asking in a mockingly cheery voice: “So are you going to write a letter to Celestia now about how even when things are serious, you learned today that you can't take everything seriously?”

Twilight Sparkle only gave another sigh, and yet all the same she couldn't help but smile with amusement all the same at these two strange ponies who brought her such a strange mix of frustration and joy. After all, she certainly wouldn't be forgetting the story of Steve and Hearth's Warming Eve anytime soon... even if she kind of wished that just once, Scrivener and Luna would act like normal, not-so-offensive ponies.

But then again, like Luna liked to say... where would be the fun in that?

The Return Of The Steve, Part 2

"The griffons were a bad idea!" Steve yelled, because why the buck would you think it would be safe to fly towards a giant evil rainbow when it's guarded by motherbucking dragons and level twenty magic users and a giant eye on a tower shooting death beams at everything it sees the eagles griffons are really easy to say would work just perfectly, but do you really think the giant death tower with the clearly hypersensitive anxiety-suffering OCD eye looking everywhere at once is going to just go HO HUM THERE'S NOTHING STRANGE ABOUT THOSE HUGE SHAPES COMING RIGHT TOWARDS ME? No. He's going to fire his motherbucking lasers right down their motherbucking throat.
Which is what happened to Steve and his Fellowship. Fortunately only the expendable griffons were hit and turned into fried chicken. They all fell to the ground, but there was no falling damage because Rudolph saved Steve with his secret flying powers, the dwarf was too angry to be hurt by a fall - and too busy eating the fried chicken griffon - and the elf just gaily floated down because gravity is a homosexual force elves are magic.
Luna this is hurting me to write. Don't you care? No. Of course you don't.
Anyway, so our fellowship has landed in the evil land of Ying Ooo Rodom. The evil land of Rodom was full of evil things. But Steve wasn't afraid because he had his trusty friend Rudolph with him, the angry dwarf Gimlet, and the elf with an alternative lifestyle. Fortunately, they were out of sight of the giant evil eye that was guarding the dark rainbow of darkness behind a giant rock. And the eye was awful at math so it completely miscalculated their fall trajectory. Which was a tragedy. A tragedy of trajectory. But not a tragectory trajedy because while phonetically correct it's incorrect because LANGUAGE IS STUPID.
They were not safe from the dragons and the level twenty magic users. But thankfully Rudolph and Steve both had cartoon physics and thus could not be killed, while Gimlet was a cruel evil bastard great hero who took great joy in lopping off limbs and torturing people which if the bad guys had done it would have been war crimes but because they were doing it in the name of Hearth's Warming Eve it was totally fine. Because really, no one liked these guys anyway.
And that was how the Equestrian Inquisition and three hundred years of horrific oppression began.
And that was how Gimlet saved the day. Although the elf helped too with bondage gear rope and restraints.
Our group of morons noble heroes continued on their way after rolling a natural twenty carefully and systematically devising a plan to travel forwards. They dealt with wild monster encounters enemy patrols and only stopped to save rest once on the entire journey. Steve was very proud of himself and his friends. Although Gimlet refused to share any hugs with anyone because of extreme insecurity about his sexual preference ultra-macho manliness, Steve and Rudolph hugged often. And carried each other often. And Steve bought Rudolph a set of his very own socks at a Rodom gift shop, where they paused to get directions to the top of the mountain to destroy the One Ring evil rainbow of darkness.
They made their way up the mountain with many epic battles. They fought flying monkeys and shadow elves and rubber ducks necks golems and evil living trees. And zombies. There were many epic slow-motion moments and the elf fired arrows in every direction and somehow always got a headshot while Gimlet got many critical hit and dismemberment bonuses and Steve and Rudolph just kind of tagged along like noobs.
They finally made it to the top of the oh buck I forgot who the bad guy is and the stupid elements. Give me a second.
Uh.
There.
Okay, got it.
They climbed to the top of the mountain and found the source of the evil rainbow of darkness. He was an evil, terrible... evil. He was Evil, with a capital E, because that was his proper name and that is how we identify proper nouns. Gimlet's axe did nothing! The elf's alternative lifestyle could not affect his karma, nor was there any evidence to show that his lifestyle choices were having a negative impact on his... uh... life!
But then came Steve and Rudolph, and Evil quailed! Evil feared! Evil vomited a little in his mouth at the sight of their horrible matching socks! Evil trembled in his boots at their fawning eyes! Evil really did not like them.
Steve and Rudolph realized that only they could defeat Evil. So together, they used all their powers to fight him!
They offered him socks and backrubs! Evil was knocked off his feet, gasping for breath!
They made him dinner and gave him decor tips! Evil howled in misery, crying out for mercy!
But there was no mercy to be had, as Rudolph and Steve poured their delicious creamy white nog all over Evil! And Evil was sent packing, leaping up to rip down his evil rainbow of darkness and take it somewhere much less gay accommodating and helpful!
And Steve and Rudolph realized that they had the true power of Hearth's Warming Eve. They had the greatest power, in all the known universe. They had the power of gay love. And no evil in the world can stand up to the power of gay love.
Then they all went home. The elf returned to the elf's alternative lifestyle, but stopped long enough to introduce the elf's partner. A gorgeous lady elf.
Gimlet was stumped. But the elf had a good sense of humor and laughed, and said: "No, silly, I'm a girl!"
And the elf went inside, leaving Gimlet to stare in horror before he blurted: "So I could have been hitting on her this entire time without feeling gay?" Then he threw his arms up towards the sky and howled in dismay and misery so great that ones got mixed in with his exclamation marks. "COME BACK, HOT ELF LADY!"
Then Gimlet slumped off miserably home to go kill some more people.
And Rudolph and Steve went home, together, to have a glass of creamy hot somewhat salty gooey nog together, having saved the entire universe with their stereotypical gaiety.

THE END.

The Fellowship Of The Steve, Part 1

Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria, there was a pony named Steve.
What the hell kind of beginning is that?
Steve loved all the other ponies, and he loved his nation, and he loved his socks, which he always wore for some strange reason - although much stranger still was the fact other ponies seemed to uncomfortably ogle him whenever he wore his socks like it was some kind of pseudo-sexual metaphor. But most of all, Steve loved Hearth's Warming Eve.
Hearth's Warming Eve was about coming together! Hearth's Warming Eve was about uh... friends and.... things that are normally celebrated every single day in Equestria anyway but it was a totally special day all the same because. There was snow. Which otherwise there is usually a strange absence of in spite of Equestria supposedly having regular seasons. Also there was a lot of candy and people gave each other things.
But one year, Steve heard that Hearth's Warming Eve was going to be cancelled, because of plot contrivance or something like that.
Scrivener Blooms, write this seriously!
I am being serious. I am being very serious. Oh, fine.
It also had to do with the evil and terrifying darkness that was spreading through the skies of Equestria and threatening to bring eternal night
Okay okay. Stop. Scowling at me like that, Luna. I'll change it.
threatening to bring eternal lack of candy. And it was a very brightly-colored darkness. Like evil rainbows. It was the evil rainbow of darkness.
I feel like that's been used somewhere before.
Steve knew the only way to defeat the rainbow of darkness was to create a rainbow of light. And so with that in mind he set out to find the one ring magic slippers elements of harmony Hearth's-Warmingness.
Steve searched high and low across the land. During his travels, he came across the mystical Roland Rapunzel Rasputin Rudolph the muscular flying magical drunken reindeer. He was drunk on red-dyed pony nog, and it was very dark BECAUSE REASONS because of the evil rainbow of darkness spreading over the skies. It was a very slow-moving rainbow because it was getting paid by the hour and had a strong union representing its interests, thus it used the excuse that it wanted to do as good a job as possible to be lazy and build the dramatic tension.
Steve never would have noticed the drunken reindeer, except all that red-dyed nog had saturated his most bulbous nose. Adding to that the rhinophyma aggravated by alcohol-induced rosacea, it caused his nose to have a most Celestial crimson glow, like the setting sun a tomato. On fire. And angry about it.
So Steve walked over and slapped the reindeer out of his drunken stupor, then said: "Come with me if you want to live."
Rudolph didn't particularly want to live. So Steve slapped him around a little until he felt like living again. Luna that's not how you fix everything OKAY FINE LEAVING IT IN. After that they became magically the best of friends.
Steve and Rudolph made their way onwards, using his glowing nose to help them see through the dark night. Eventually, they entered a terrible forest, which Rudolph said was known for being full of evil and terrible creatures. But Steve felt that the power of implied homosexuality Hearth's Warming Eve would protect him. So they made their way through the dark and treacherous forest, pressing very close to each other's sides only because they were scared and stopping to give each other backrubs merely because they got sore and it helped calm them down.
They heard a stalliony grunting noise eventually. The two made their way to this, Steve a little more eager than Rudolph. Rudolph at least had the sense to call out: "Are you clopping over there?"
"I'm chopping!" shouted a voice back. Steve did not hear chopping. Instead he giggled and pranced into the clearing... and stared with horror at the sight of a large, muscular dwarf angrily cutting up THE MANGLED BODIES OF ALL OF HIS FRIENDS wait Hearth's Warming Eve story, right a lot of wood.
"That poor wood!" cried Steve. "What are you doing, you murderer?"
"I'm cutting it. I like to cut things. With my mighty axe." The terrible dwarf held up his terrible axe, and there was a crescendo of singing from the birds. "Shut up, birds!"
"There aren't any birds here." Rudolph remarked, much more confident now that they saw this wasn't another pony and likely would not interfere with his love interest friendship with Steve. "Mr. Steve, I think we should just keep going. We need to reach the river elves the elements of harmony Hearth's Warming Eve."
"I'll come with you. There will be treasure and things to kill. Trees are boring." growled the dwarf, and then Gimlet joined the party.
This party of masculine males made their way forwards on a quest to save gay joyous Hearth's Warming Eve. They left the evil forest and resumed their journey towards wherever the hell Steve was taking them, no one was really sure and Gimlet wasn't the talkative type and Rudolph just trusted in his secret love partner friend who kept him from drinking more red nog but let him have white gooey nog instead. Delicious white gooey nog.
Unfortunately all of their masculinity attracted a gay elf. He came gaily prancing out of his gay little household all done up gaily with gayfeathers and pansies and other flowers in a rainbow of colors, and he wore a cute little tutu and sparkly shoes and had a gay smile upon his gaily-beaming face.
Gimlet also thought that the elf was disturbingly pretty probably not of heterosexual orientation. But he thought that of all elves because he was a dwarf. While the elf only thought that Gimlet was cute and adorable and he wished he could dress him up in ribbons.
"Hello! I am the happiest of all elves! I can tell you're going to save Hearth's Warming Eve, the gayest of all the holidays, so I'm going to come with you! Let's cover the world in a thick frosting of love!" cried the gay elf happily.
So they made their way onwards, following the road. And because of pure plot contrivance destiny that road led them straight to Canterlot, where the evil mighty Celestia sat upon her evil mighty throne. She was very evil mighty. And fat. She had an evil important mission for them, and they were all happy to do her bidding take upon this evil mighty quest.
Luna I won't write the story if you keep. Yes. Go sit over there. Go. CORNER.
And so Celestia said to Steve: "To stop the evil rainbow of darkness you must use the stupid sacred elements of harmony Hearth's Warming Eveity to summon Puff the Magic Dragon the rainbow of light. You will not succeed alone, though, ring-bearer sock-wearer. You will need help."
Steve looked back at the friends he had made, and they all looked back at Steve. He begged pleaded prostrated smiled hopefully.
"You have my nose!" declared Rudolph
"And my axe!" roared Gimlet the Dwarf.
"And my alternative lifestyle!" cried the gay elf.
And thus was the Fellowship of Steve born.
"Also I'll give you flying eagles griffons to take you right to the rainbow of death metal darkness so we can skip a montage sequence save our nation before it is too late." Celestia said wisely.

TO BE CONCLUDED NEXT WEEK

I feel like half my brain just died.

Hearth's Warming Steve: The Start Of Something New

Luna and I aren't really holiday people. Sure, she likes Hearth's Warming Eve. Why? Because of presents and an excuse to eat candy and chocolate and cakes and sugary stuff all night, that's why. But when we first discussed this holiday, she thought I said Hearth's Warming Steve.
So apparently now there is a pony, Hearth's Warming Steve, who must go around and give candy and presents to all the foals. Luna has asked me to tell the story of Hearth's Warming Steve and I really don't want to. But apparently she wants this to become a thing and. You know Luna. So. I guess I will be chronicling the stories of Hearth's Warming Steve for the next while.
It's at times like these I kind of wish that I had just stayed dead. Except I wonder sometimes if maybe demons are all just like Luna, and that's hell.

~Scrivener Blooms

THE TERRIBLE SCRIVENER BLOOMS

This is a poem about a pony who is dumb and his name is Scrivy and he is dumb and will not make chocolate cake for his wife.


Oh, stallion of ashes, dark charger of night,
Why do you punish that which is all to you?
Like harpy's claws your cruelty descends,
Into my beating heart your evil rends.

Oh, terrible hawk who flies when veil glitters,
You cry terrible banes from your beak,
Why must you banish the maiden to her tower,
Throw your protector into her curdled cage?

Oh, wrathful dragon, rising from mourning,
Cursing your crown, who girds you all the same,
Who sits upon your mantle, hallowed, and wretched,
But her tears will not settle your awful fire.

Oh, sinister shadow, to your dexter night-flower,
She is innocent and gentle, but still you wield a blade,
So cruelly, with such malice, cutting apart her spirit,
Denying her one pleasure, her one treasure.

Oh, terrible obsidian demon, king of hells!
Why do you punish me so, steal what I love,
And bind me to you, in punishment, in loving hate,
Knowing I cannot deny your fearsome claws.

Oh, no, my treasure is lost forever, stolen from me.
Taken by the beast which I cannot break from,
We are as the snakes locked in eternal hunger and feeding,
One steals, the other longs, and neither shall ever part.



Written By Not Scrivener Blooms As He Is Fat And Dumb.

Something To Remember

You know how when you like something, it seems like a whole lot of people know what it is, and they're really into it, and it's really cool and everything, and so clearly the whole world probably gets it except for those people who are just jerks?
And how when you don't like something, it's impossible to imagine anyone liking it, or how it could even exist, and people who like that must be dumb or crazy?
Well, neither of those things are true. Crush those things out of your thinking process. All that's going to do is make you uber-defensive when you write or create something that someone hates, or you come across something that you hate. Embrace things, and try to keep an open mind, even when it's oh Horses of Heaven so much easier to just. Not accept things and make huge sweeping generalizations and keep the world simple so you never have to feel bad for anyone else and anyone who interrupts this sweet monotone bliss is a jerkhead.
Look, I'm bad for it myself. I'm also bad for taking things personally, because it feeds my bitterness. And I'm oversensitive. Or 'flowery' as Luna puts it. Not flowery like that, I think she means flowery like... how a flower bruises really easily. She was saying fruity at first, but... that was even worse to me for some reason.
Uh. Moving forwards.
So it's really easy to think along the lines of... "I'm writing a romantic comedy, who doesn't like romantic comedies?" Well. A lot of people. And it's really easy to think: "Who the hell wants to read a tragicomic philosophical treatise on the morality of medical treatments." And you know, some people. Actually would. Even if everybody dies horribly at the end and we all feel like jerks.
I'm just. Grabbing examples that come to mind here.
You should not judge the quality of either story by how much you "like" it. Enjoyment is great. But bear in mind that we enjoy many things that are bad for us or downright stupid. Look at me and Luna. Likewise, quality is not some pure mechanical construct: if you want to read something that's perfectly precise in every day, then go read a dictionary or a text on mathematics.
We should embrace things that make us uncomfortable. We should struggle to broaden our horizons, open our minds, and instead of wasting so much time either praising or hating something irrationally - and praise can be as irrational as hatred, yes - we should look deeper. We should see the meaning from it, and embrace what we find. We should strive to enjoy things that are meant to be enjoyed, even when they conflict with our sensibilities and our morality; more than that, we should try and let stories in, and feel them. Do I agree that unicorns are a noble race? Not really. If I read a story about the noble unicorns, and their plight in fighting off the barbarian earth ponies, should I try and nitpick all the inaccuracies or should I just read the story, and try and keep my mind open, and see what the author is trying to say?
Well, I'll try. But I'm really bad at following my own advice. Still... we can always damn well try. And sometimes, just... keeping that open mind, looking beneath things, digging a bit into the unknown... it can lead to finding some pretty marvelous things.
Like, you know, a black pearl, for example.

~Scrivener Blooms

Why We Fall

I was a foal, and my father pushed me down.
I was a foal, and my mother pushed me down.
I was a foal, and the older foals pushed me down.
I was a foal, and the customers at the shop pushed me down.
I was a foal, and the teacher pushed me down.
I was a foal, and the stallion in the hat gave me a chance.
I grew older;
My father still pushed me down.
My mother still pushed me down.
Other stallions still pushed me down.
People I worked for pushed me down.
People I was supposed to learn from pushed me down.
And the stallion the hat was gone, but his memory remained, and it was still kind.

And the reason I was pushed down so many times was because every time, I got back up.

Many years have passed since then, and I've tasted a lot of dirt and humiliation. But now I'm steadier on my hooves, and every time I hit the ground, I stayed down a little shorter, and I learned a little more. My parents are gone. The other stallions I left behind. I work for myself now. I've learned how to learn on my own, and that if I'm willing to listen, I can learn a hell of a lot from the people around me... maybe even more than I ever learned from so-called 'experts.'
And that memory, of that stallion in the hat, is still with me.

I was pushed down.
And I learned to get back up.
And that has made all the difference in my life.

If I'd never gone through all the horrible, the hard times, spent so much time fighting, enduring, I never would have learned that rejection letters are a step forwards and not a step backwards, that I can keep pushing forwards even when the world doesn't seem to want to have me, that even when all hope seems lost, there's always someone out there willing to lend a hoof if you'll just open your mind to them. That even when the whole world seems to hate you, and you hate it back, that doesn't give you the right to lash out and destroy it... because among all the bad, you're going to hurt someone good, too. You're going to hurt the one thing that might help you through it all. And it taught me that it's all the hard times, the rough times, the vicious times that really taught me how to enjoy and prosper in the peace and the good times, and prepared me for the road ahead.
It's important to remember that, especially if you want to write. Because writing is about the life you live. Not the life you just sit through and let pass you by. Writing is about falling down maybe even more than it is about getting back up.


~Scrivener Blooms

Today

Will be a busy day. There is writing to do, Luna and I have to go to and from Ponyville, and I have to cut some more wood to prepare for winter, among other things. I am hunter-gatherer. Well, okay, Luna's more the hunter-gatherer. Well. Hunter-raider. Apparently old habits, like stealing from people you disagree with, die hard.

Anyway, it'd be easy not to do a bunch of things on my list. Like what I'm writing right now. Like writing at all. But goddammit. I'm going to do it because I have made a weird obligation here. And not doing it will throw me off. And other things.
I currently smell like woodsmoke and fire. Thanks to the woodsmoke from the fire that nearly burned down our house thank you Luna. And in spite of the splinters, the sears, the singes, and the near-blindness, dammit, I am doing what I said I would. Before I go make dinner.
It. Helps that I have nothing else to really do today. You know. Apart from the constant foalsitting I do.
But seriously. I made a plan, and I'm going to stick to it. No matter what happens. Lacking time, dignity, and smelling like death or not. Burning death, though. I think that's better than rotting death.
Luna is not being helpful so I am going to go pour water on her. I will do something more constructive later

~Scrivener Blooms

Happy Nightmare Night

Like the title says. Happy Nightmare Night, everypony. This is pretty much my favorite holiday. Well. This is pretty much the only holiday I celebrate. I refuse to even celebrate my birthday. In part because. Luna didn't really have a birthday, so she decided to take my birthday and make it hers, and. Her birthday always involves awful things and the murder of many cakes. I don't care as much about the candy part... and even if I did, Luna would never let me touch any of her precious candy hoard... but I do like scaring ponies. That's pretty fun.
I hope everyone has a fun night!

Stupid unnecessary exclamation mark to exaggerate happiness. I hate exclamation marks. They're like unicorns with giant horns. Luna don't. Not that kind of horn. No I will not make a smiley face. Smiley faces have no place in text. Luna I swear if you paint one on me again I... dammit. WE WILL NEGOTIATE WITH A TILDE NOW STOP POKING ME oh this is going to be a wonderful day.

Happy Nightmare Night~


~Scrivener Blooms

Stupid Things I Have Done Today

-Thought it was Nightmare Night. Luna encouraged me to think it was Nightmare Night so we put on our costumes and headed to town. Clued in once there.
-Picked up things in town. While in costume. With Luna yelling at people for free candy the entire time.
-Luna choked on a piece of candy and this had to be extracted from her throat. Then she kissed me. There was still candy goo. It was horrible.
-Returned home to do work. Started cutting wood for winter.
-Hit by flying piece of wood.
-Hit by flying axe.
-Sent Luna to a time out.
-Axe got lodged in chunk of wood.
-Rammed axe handle into own crotch attempting to extract it.
-Went to put axe away.
-Found mouse heads in shed. Still questionable whether or not it was Luna or a ferret.
-Attempted to do editing work.
-Luna stuck gum in my mane.
-Failed to do any work whatsoever and instead am now laying grouchily here, covered in gum, sugar powder, and candy wrappers. Luna keeps chewing on me. Getting dark out.

All in all, it was a pretty good day.


~Scrivener Blooms

Scrivy's Weird Recipe Corner: Sugar Spike Coffee

A fast coffee that's a little more tart than sweet, and enough sugar to make you smile without worrying about crashing into post-sugar depression.

2 teaspoons sugar
2 tablespoons cream
1 Cup Coffee
1.5 teaspoon maple syrup
2 tablespoon chocolate sauce
1 teaspoon vanilla extract

First get a coffee cup. Put the sugar in first, then pour in your cream. I tend to just pour until it looks right. Then add your coffee, filling it to about a half inch beneath the mug's rim. After this, pour in maple syrup,then chocolate sauce, and then add vanilla extract. I usually use a small amount of maple syrup, pour chocolate sauce - or chocolate syrup, if you prefer - in until the coffee level raises about a centimeter or so, but you have to be careful with the vanilla extract: try to use about a capful at most, because too much will make the coffee much much much more tart. You're aiming for a rich taste, but not a sour or sharp taste: too much tartness will also block out the sugary aftertaste.
This goes pretty well with breakfast pastries and foods like that. You can also use decaf coffee for a fuller taste and a little less jitteriness. The sugar will do a good enough job of helping you wake up.


~Scrivener Blooms

On Using Mythology, Part 2: Basic Setting

So mythology is great for stuff other than just characters and fancy powers and stuff like that. We'll get into all that more later but for now I want to take a moment to focus on setting. And I don't just mean huge famous mythological settings, like... pyramids or jungles or crazy temples or secret islands. I mean mythology in the sense of that almost every local area has: even around Ponyville, there's all kinds of stories about what used to be here before Ponyville was built: about the Everfree Forest, and the Castle of the Pony Sisters, and... all of that. Folklore and superstition can still be seen as part of a larger mythology, and it's not just limited to... fancy things. Besides, your very own little area might have some damn impressive stories, whether it's a huge metropolis or a little village.
It's all a matter of how you use it. Say, the forests around here. Well, it's said that before ponies settled here, it was even wilder than it is now. Nature didn't require help... in fact, rejected help, and there were no weather controls and animals roamed the wilds, all... scary and nasty like they are in more remote regions of Equestria. That's pretty much fact; the myth part comes in where we say that there used to be forest spirits around here, that helped take care of the land: they didn't control it, but they rather... served its best interests, driving out evil spirits and helping keep the forests safe.
Now there's a few things you can do with that kind of setting. Say you want to use that mythology in the modern day: well, where did those spirits go now? Do they still want to keep the forest safe? Are they vengeful or peaceful? Is this a pony-versus-nature setting ,where the environment will be hostile, perhaps even sentient? Or is this an environment that will help protect and nurture the characters, or at least some of them? The more questions you can come up with to ask yourself about the setting, the better: the more you'll think about it, turn it over in your hooves. There's no such thing as not being creative: there's just not having enough faith in yourself to put that creativity to use. Also there's being lazy, which I admittedly suffer from now and then. But when I whine I can't come up with any ideas Luna hits me until I do.
So that's a basic primer on using mythology to modify your current setting. Do a little research, you might be surprised what you find and can incorporate, just from the land under your hooves. And that's before even getting into the whole. Monsters and mayhem thing. But we'll talk more about that later.
Speaking of ghouls and ghosts, Luna's calling me to help her with a costume. So. I'd better go make sure she's putting together something a little better than she's already tried. Especially since she had the particularly-creepy idea of trying to wear a 'Scrivy suit.'
Yeah. I don't want to know either.

~Scrivener Blooms

Attempts at Costuming, Part 1

Luna that is not a costume.

Luna that is also not a costume.

Okay. Apparently we're going to have to work on this whole "costume" thing.


~Scrivener Blooms

So It's Almost That Time Of Year

So every year around this time Luna gets all wonky. Because it's Nightmare Night. Now, way back when we first met? She hated Nightmare Night. Was all. Grr argh this is dumb LOVE ME etcetera. And then we all know that little freakout she had one year. That last year she was a Princess, as I recall. And now Nightmare Night is her favorite holiday ever because she swoops around picking on ponies, scaring them, and stealing and eating candy until she gets sick.
Anyway. As much as I hate it. I kind of enjoy it, too. And so this Nightmare Night I am actually going to attempt to participate and create a costume and play along with Luna's mad ideas. I have this horrible feeling it's all going to go horribly wrong but. Maybe that's just me. What's the worst that could happen, right?
I will post updates as things develop.

~Scrivener Blooms

I am tired.

Therefore this post will be short and weird. I've been editing stuff nonstop since coming back from my not-vacation and I am so sore. We had to do some repairs around the house and I accidentally swallowed a piece of floor. You know. After Luna jumped on my back while I was scraping stuff up. One day she'll kill me. Again.
I'm so tired.
I dunno. Something weird is happening outside. I'm refurbishing the cabin and it feels like something's going to burn it down.
Not Luna and cooking this time.
Well. More. Coherent post later this week, I really need to do that next part of mythology. It's been how long now? This is a pain in the flank. I don't know why I agreed to this.
Oh. Right. Luna's bigger and scarier than I am.
Also she's developing an odd fixation with cameras. I really hope she doesn't start taking pictures of stuff. That's the last thing I need, glamour shots.

~Scrivener Blooms

A Repeated Lesson

I need to get better at this thing. It seems like every time I sit down to write a post, though, my brain turns to mush and Luna comes and plays with that mush and makes it into a house or something. Like that time we had potato salad and she built a tower out of it. Then made it explode.
And that's why we don't really eat real dinners anymore.
But really, there's no excuse for not getting something down. I know I emphasize that lesson a lot but there seriously isn't. I know it's hard. Believe me, I do. Time is fleet of hoof and heavy of weight. And sometimes that pressure itself can just. Squish into not being able to write. When you feel the clock ticking down, you end up spending more time checking the clock than you do actually writing.
It's something you can learn, though. Yes, it's hard. No, it's not fun. But it's beneficial in the long run, because you start to apply that skill, that whole... zoning out, making yourself focus, to other parts of your life. If I couldn't just concentrate on one thing at a time, if I couldn't compartmentalize things the way I do, then I'd just be a gibbering, crying mess in the corner, torn between hysterics and misery.
At the end of the day, the person who can most help ourselves is often us, ourselves. Yes, I know how dumb that sounds. Yes, I know it doesn't apply to when you have a large pointy object stuck in your stomach. Well. No. You can still pull it out yourself, although fixing the hole is harder. So okay. You can't fix holes yourself. Unless you're a unicorn. Or good with stitches.
I'm going to skip the metaphor. Some things you can't fix yourself but you can learn to look at them a different way or to deal with the pain a different way. I'm not saying you can decide to perceive all pain as a learning experience, but you can at least remind yourself that pain kind of is a learning experience a lot of the time. It's stupid and it's sucky but it's also your body and mind saying "look at me, I'm alive, and I'm still attached to this world whether any of you like it or not."
I find thinking of everything as a "screw you" to something else, be it someone else or the cosmos at large, really helps me get through the day. But that's probably just me.
Luna says I'm being cranky and need to... do something. Something I have no idea why she'd think is a good idea. So I'm going to go do that, just because. Because. Maybe it'll ruin someone else's day if I do so.

Positivity!

~Scrivener Blooms

Vacationing

So I'm really tired today. I've been. Editing and working on stuff and just... I'm so tired. My hooves are so goddamn sore. My brain? Absolute mush. And I just want to fall over and die.
But then Luna suggests: "Vacation."
And I go. "Ha. No."
See, I've never really gotten "vacations." So you're tired and busy. And to make yourself feel better, you go through the inordinate amount of trouble of packing up all your things into a wagon and leave to make yourself more tired and busy sightseeing in strange places, generally making yourself look stupid to the locals, spending money you often can't afford on things you're going to put on a shelf and forget about.
You know what I think would be more restful than that?
Crawling onto a bed and sleeping.
Sleeping. For like. Twelve hours straight. Then not getting out of bed. Just staying there. Lazing. All day.
How awesome would that be?
Anyway. Luna disagrees with me and says, no, no, Scrivy, we must... sorry, I mean 'thou doth not understandeth what thou speaketh, knave: for to waste wakefulness 'tis to disparage that life which 'tis most dearest held by all.'
And now I'm possibly bleeding.
That aside, Luna clearly has a different idea of vacationing than I do. She wants to go out, beat things up, engage in... horrible debauchery and generally. Be a horrendous nuisance. I don't know, but that doesn't seem. Relaxing to me. Traveling across the country could be fun, sure. But I don't know if I'd do it for fun, you know?
Still. It looks like she's determined to drag me along with her. So. Woo.
Vacationing. Great.

~Scrivener Blooms