A Poem

Regarding The Downsides of Adventurous Wives
By Scrivener Blooms


As much as I love you, Luna my dear,
There are times when I really don't like you I fear.

After all, I know it's not quite normal, you see,
For it to hurt when I have to pee.

And while I know our lifestyle can be quite fun,
We shouldn't sleep with everypony under the sun.

Yes, usually you manage to choose the right mare,
But next time let's use a better tactic than 'truth or dare.'

I have to note as well I insisted we just take our leave,
But you were the one who said 'a playmate we must retrieve!'

Of course, now I'm wishing despite how awkward it was,
We didn't choose the male but that stallion because

I would gladly give up some of my masculinity (the little that's left),
If it left me without an aching virility (even if my rump became bereft).

But I was proud and foolish, I will eat my share of the pie,
If only because if I blame you completely, you will make me die.

Sure it was fun, and I have to admit you always choose well,
But heaven was short lived, and now my crotch itches like hell.

So tonight let's make like we're normal, and just dine by the fire,
While both of us suffer from this sexually-transmitted ire.

Lovey Dovey Hearts And Hooves

You know, I never liked Hearts and Hooves that much. I mean, most of them before Luna I did celebrate alone, and even with my previous marefriends, well... I never went very far. And Luna and I are kind of... well, we tried to celebrate it one year. That... that turned out just fantastic, really.
Oh, no. I mean before we were together or anything, actually. Back when I was just getting to know her still. See, it goes like this...
Luna was wandering around, in a pretty foul mood, and I honestly couldn't figure out why. I mean, normally she'd get grumpy about something, but her mood usually changes pretty fast, so I'd always try and let her just work it out. But this time, it had been days of crankiness, and finally, in my caring compassionate gentle okay, okay, slightly douchey way, I ask in a roundabout manner: "Did you burn your flank sunbathing, is that why you keep pacing around and won't just sit down?"
Luna loathes any metaphor that uses the sun or daylight. Guess why.
Luna also doesn't mind electrocuting me. Guess when that started.
Anyway, a few expletives later, she finally starts grumbling about stuff that usually she could care less about. Attention from the nobles, dating, romance, stuff that makes me stare a little before I realize what she's trying to say. It's Hearts And Hooves Day, which... for one thing, well, Luna doesn't entirely understand the holiday. Wasn't back way back then, after all. So basically she thinks there's this weird holiday where all the nobles are trying to flirt with Celestia, and she's getting letters and all those nice little cards and gifts and love tokens from ponies Equestria wide. While Luna doesn't even know what's going on and is wondering if this is "Celestia gets to choose from every stud in the kingdom" week.
Yes, now you start to see why Luna was pissed off.
Anyway. So I explain to Luna that it's just a lame, silly holiday for couples to buy presents for each other and to try and woo your crush or whatnot. She doesn't believe me at first so I drag out some old books to show her how it all started, with a romantical beginning that kinda exploded into the fiasco we all experience today. Luna starts getting more frustrated after this, wanting to know why the hell no pony is trying to date her or anything. I do my best. I honestly do my best to repress my every instinct to be a jerk while she's ranting away. I seriously try my hardest. And admittedly, what makes it harder is... I can tell Luna's upset. I mean, at this point we're friends, but... we're friends. I hate seeing her upset like that, and I'd much rather have her pissed off than... looking so hurt.
And then, instead of just saying something to frustrate her like I should have, which would have resulted in her blowing me up but also working out some of her stress, I make one of the dumbest mistakes I have ever made in my life and have been very, very careful to avoid since.
"Hey, I'm not doing anything for Hearts and Hooves. Why don't we just go have dinner at that nice little place in Canterlot? We could easily muscle our way in, you're kind of the Princess."
Luna stares at me, then asks suspiciously: "Art thou attempting to woo me, Scrivener Blooms?" And before I can come up with a witty retort about not wanting to listen to her complaining anymore, she adds: "Because dinner is not important. Whether or not thou art capable in bed afterwards is important."
Yeah. Yeah.
So my brain's just stripped a gear and I'm trying to come up with a good response, but then she scowls at me and finishes me off with: "But I suppose if thou performs like thy poetry, it shall be coarse, painful, and I will be left unsatisfied and thou will be crying into my mane like a whimpering foal."
Goodbye testicles. It was nice knowing you.
Well, with me thoroughly soul-crushed, Luna is in a much more cheery mood and decides that she wants to go to dinner after all. So we go.
Oh why didn't I just curl up in a corner and cry like I wanted to?
I mean, okay. It started well. Great, actually. Huge boost for my ego, too, I mean. First we get to shove our way into this expensive restaurant, second we get one of the best seats in the house, third, I get to enjoy the glares and stares of disbelief from all the nobles. Food comes quick, it's delicious. We're having a great time at first. I'm... happy with her.
We're talking, we're doing good. And then everything gets horrible when one of the nobles saunters over and starts to make small talk. Which eventually escalates into: "So why don't you forget about this little earth pony and come join us at our table?"
Now, if this hasn't already been clear from how often she zaps, bops, or smacks me, Luna has a bit of a temper. But the thing is, Luna might smack me around a little, but she'd never really hurt me, you know? Oh sure. We insult each other, we frustrate each other, we exasperate each other, but we'd never, ever hurt each other. And even back then, when we were first friends... we had that trust. We might flail at each other like children but for some reason it just... it always made it so much easier to trust in one-another. I mean, who do you trust more, the person who always treats you nicely, smiles at you, keeps themselves so soft and gentle and is probably imagining suffocating you with a pillow in your sleep never reprimands you, or the pony that says "hey, don't be a douche" when you're a douche, but who smiles at you when you tell a funny joke and doesn't mind your occasional slight racism towards unicorns? We're honest. Honesty is about a billion times more worthwhile than a nice mask.
So we see how Luna treats me, and she likes me.
And then Mister Class Act walks up and treats Luna like some teenage ditz he can woo away from her coltfriend and mocks me in front of her and the whole restaurant. Then he tops it all off by saying: "After all, you might not be Princess Celestia, but you're still very important, aren't you?"
About a minute later the restaurant is on fire and Luna's flinging furniture everywhere and I'm cowering under one of the benches bolted to the ground and she's still flinging things in every direction. It's not entirely her fault, honestly. Luna had a lot of trouble... adjusting... back in those days.
Not that. Not that it would be any different now. As a matter of fact it would probably be worse. And I'd still be hiding under the bench in fear that she's going to throw me at someone next.
Thankfully, Luna runs out of steam pretty fast, and we hurry out of there and back to the castle. Sure, there's that initial adrenaline rush, that little moment of happiness where we think, hey, everything worked out better than expected. We're going to be just fine!
You know, right up until the angry Celestia storms in. Then we both quail like foals. And, like foals, we both end up grounded. Yes, Court Poet and Princess of the Night. Not permitted to leave Luna's quarters without explicit permission. Meals brought to us and Celestia's guards watching us at all times like hawks. Grounded. By the Princess of the Sun.
What? You argue with a pissed off billion foot tall winged unicorn who can move the sun. After your "friendly date" resulted in mass property damage, lawsuits, and almost burning down Canterlot.
See, I'm not a coward. Entirely. Caution is sometimes the better part of valor. And furthermore, when Luna isn't mouthing off, I take that as a very, very big sign that I should not try to say something witty.
So that was my first Hearts and Hooves Day with Luna. Celestia did kindly give us a few boxes of chocolate she received and Luna got a few cards from some kindergarten class and Twilight Sparkle. But Twilight always was kind of a suck-up.
Yes Luna, yes. I'm sure Twilight would treat you to a better Hearts and Hooves than me. Except for the fact that she bought you a book and I bought you that ridiculous giant candy apple. Who knows you better now- oh thank you now I'm all sticky. Go wash your hooves OH DAMMIT LUNA ITS IN MY MANE.
Some things, I guess, never really change. We began our whole relationship with Luna bopping me with her horn. It continues with Luna whacking me as she pleases and smearing caramel and sugar on me that came out awkward and will probably end with Luna bludgeoning me and continuing to smear things on me.
And yet I'm strangely okay with that.

I hope everyone had a happy Burn Down A Restaurant Day.

~Scrivener Blooms

Letters

Letters are annoying little things. They're these squiggly things you're reading right now, forming words: they're symbols, and some are pictures in their own right, and a lot of them carry multiple meanings. And that's even before we squish them all together into words. And let's not even think about sentences, let alone paragraphs, let alone an entire story.
It's kind of a hard thing to grasp at first, and it's admittedly some much more advanced stuff and way above the kind of thing I should be attempting to explain, but the arrangement of letters themselves can actually affect your writing. More than word use, letter use also has an impact: yeah, okay, laugh at me, think I'm crazy. Now look at this.

Doom, Cruel, Macabre, Death, Desiccation

Those are all bad words. Not... filthy words like what often comes out of Luna's mouth, I mean, pertaining to things we don't usually view as pleasant. Even though two of those things up there, Doom and Death, have roots in destiny and... well... death. Which isn't as bad as we make it out to be. Now look over those words. No, don't read them. Pretend they're pictures. Just look at them. Tell me what you see.
Do you see it?
Look again. No, you're right. It's right there, precisely.
The curls. The way the roundness flows together, but is cut off by the sudden sharp, straight lines. The letters themselves are slid together in such a manner they almost look like blades, don't they? And subconsciously, our minds will pick up on things like that. Just as when we read the word out, we'll hear it in our mind, we'll hear the the deep, ominous "-oom" that gives "doom" so much power and has helped lead to its association as a negative word.
I'm not really going to get into this too much further, apart from mentioning it so you're aware of it. But the structure of words, as much as the sounds that words make... has an impact. You learn learn to use this, to 'weave' the right words together in the right way to maximize emotional impact on top of the imagery you're depicting: the conscious mind won't notice it unless you're looking for it, but believe me, the subconscious of many, many people will. It becomes programmed into us, without us knowing, like so many other codes and little rules and tenets of everyday life we don't even realize we're paying attention to. How we might avoid stepping on cracks or naturally shirk the darkness or start seeing patterns in our everyday things.
Telling you how to use that?
Yeah, uh. That. That would take some practice.
But this way, at least, I'm making you aware of it. Think of it like a hidden kung fu art or something, it's something cool to know about, and to work your way towards understanding or mastering... but you gotta learn it yourself. You have to build up to that level. But you can be aware of it, and start looking for it, and start teaching yourself how words and letters interact. And one day, you'll find yourself beginning to naturally... understand. .And naturally... write with it.
So uh. Yeah. Crazy psycho letter art that really has little bearing at all on anything, but it's fun to try and wrap your mind around. I think it's fun. Shut up, Luna, I'm not insane. I'm just a little crazy. That's all.


~Scrivener Blooms

Calm

So the other day. I'm walking around the house, just kind of poking at things, because I can't make myself concentrate on writing at all. It's all dusty because I've been so busy lately. You know, when monsters are hunting you in a living forest you kind of. Put the dusting aside. That, and every time I bring out the big feather duster Luna eventually wants to help and that just doesn't turn out well.
I wonder where the hell those feathers come from anyway. I wonder if they're from birds or ponies. Feathers grow back, right? I dunno how birds work.
What?
Right, getting back on topic. So I decided to clean up, and I started doing that. It was nice, really. Relaxing. And I just let myself think and my brain spiral out and... you know, ideas start coming to mind. And I just let them come. I mean, lots of them are really stupid, sure, stuff I'll never write or even think about again. And there's other stuff that I could never, ever, ever admit to thinking about that floats around in there too.
Which of course Luna wants me to write about.
Which I will definitely not be doing.
Ever.
But what I'm saying is that... sometimes it is okay to take a break. Sometimes, when you need to get your thoughts flowing again, and things feel stale or slow or sour, just... try and do something else, let things loosen up. And yes. Yes, it's really really really hard to learn to do this. It's hard to learn the world doesn't end when you have to take a day off, or choose to take a day off. I understand that way too well. But sometimes it's good for you. Even just sitting there, thinking, slowing down, doing something monotonous... it's good. In its weird, weird way.
Anyway, I'm not making sense because I'm covered in dust and mopwater. Luna tried to help me clean the kitchen. It did not go well. So I'm going to go wash off. Just remember, sometimes... slow is good. Stopping is fine. And resting can be well-deserved. Press too hard and you break a little, and like any muscle, you gotta let it heal after you work out for so long. Break it down, build it back up stronger. And don't let the house get too dirty because that's gross and "helpful" ponies will make you sad and wet.

~Scrivener Blooms