The Return Of The Steve, Part 2

"The griffons were a bad idea!" Steve yelled, because why the buck would you think it would be safe to fly towards a giant evil rainbow when it's guarded by motherbucking dragons and level twenty magic users and a giant eye on a tower shooting death beams at everything it sees the eagles griffons are really easy to say would work just perfectly, but do you really think the giant death tower with the clearly hypersensitive anxiety-suffering OCD eye looking everywhere at once is going to just go HO HUM THERE'S NOTHING STRANGE ABOUT THOSE HUGE SHAPES COMING RIGHT TOWARDS ME? No. He's going to fire his motherbucking lasers right down their motherbucking throat.
Which is what happened to Steve and his Fellowship. Fortunately only the expendable griffons were hit and turned into fried chicken. They all fell to the ground, but there was no falling damage because Rudolph saved Steve with his secret flying powers, the dwarf was too angry to be hurt by a fall - and too busy eating the fried chicken griffon - and the elf just gaily floated down because gravity is a homosexual force elves are magic.
Luna this is hurting me to write. Don't you care? No. Of course you don't.
Anyway, so our fellowship has landed in the evil land of Ying Ooo Rodom. The evil land of Rodom was full of evil things. But Steve wasn't afraid because he had his trusty friend Rudolph with him, the angry dwarf Gimlet, and the elf with an alternative lifestyle. Fortunately, they were out of sight of the giant evil eye that was guarding the dark rainbow of darkness behind a giant rock. And the eye was awful at math so it completely miscalculated their fall trajectory. Which was a tragedy. A tragedy of trajectory. But not a tragectory trajedy because while phonetically correct it's incorrect because LANGUAGE IS STUPID.
They were not safe from the dragons and the level twenty magic users. But thankfully Rudolph and Steve both had cartoon physics and thus could not be killed, while Gimlet was a cruel evil bastard great hero who took great joy in lopping off limbs and torturing people which if the bad guys had done it would have been war crimes but because they were doing it in the name of Hearth's Warming Eve it was totally fine. Because really, no one liked these guys anyway.
And that was how the Equestrian Inquisition and three hundred years of horrific oppression began.
And that was how Gimlet saved the day. Although the elf helped too with bondage gear rope and restraints.
Our group of morons noble heroes continued on their way after rolling a natural twenty carefully and systematically devising a plan to travel forwards. They dealt with wild monster encounters enemy patrols and only stopped to save rest once on the entire journey. Steve was very proud of himself and his friends. Although Gimlet refused to share any hugs with anyone because of extreme insecurity about his sexual preference ultra-macho manliness, Steve and Rudolph hugged often. And carried each other often. And Steve bought Rudolph a set of his very own socks at a Rodom gift shop, where they paused to get directions to the top of the mountain to destroy the One Ring evil rainbow of darkness.
They made their way up the mountain with many epic battles. They fought flying monkeys and shadow elves and rubber ducks necks golems and evil living trees. And zombies. There were many epic slow-motion moments and the elf fired arrows in every direction and somehow always got a headshot while Gimlet got many critical hit and dismemberment bonuses and Steve and Rudolph just kind of tagged along like noobs.
They finally made it to the top of the oh buck I forgot who the bad guy is and the stupid elements. Give me a second.
Uh.
There.
Okay, got it.
They climbed to the top of the mountain and found the source of the evil rainbow of darkness. He was an evil, terrible... evil. He was Evil, with a capital E, because that was his proper name and that is how we identify proper nouns. Gimlet's axe did nothing! The elf's alternative lifestyle could not affect his karma, nor was there any evidence to show that his lifestyle choices were having a negative impact on his... uh... life!
But then came Steve and Rudolph, and Evil quailed! Evil feared! Evil vomited a little in his mouth at the sight of their horrible matching socks! Evil trembled in his boots at their fawning eyes! Evil really did not like them.
Steve and Rudolph realized that only they could defeat Evil. So together, they used all their powers to fight him!
They offered him socks and backrubs! Evil was knocked off his feet, gasping for breath!
They made him dinner and gave him decor tips! Evil howled in misery, crying out for mercy!
But there was no mercy to be had, as Rudolph and Steve poured their delicious creamy white nog all over Evil! And Evil was sent packing, leaping up to rip down his evil rainbow of darkness and take it somewhere much less gay accommodating and helpful!
And Steve and Rudolph realized that they had the true power of Hearth's Warming Eve. They had the greatest power, in all the known universe. They had the power of gay love. And no evil in the world can stand up to the power of gay love.
Then they all went home. The elf returned to the elf's alternative lifestyle, but stopped long enough to introduce the elf's partner. A gorgeous lady elf.
Gimlet was stumped. But the elf had a good sense of humor and laughed, and said: "No, silly, I'm a girl!"
And the elf went inside, leaving Gimlet to stare in horror before he blurted: "So I could have been hitting on her this entire time without feeling gay?" Then he threw his arms up towards the sky and howled in dismay and misery so great that ones got mixed in with his exclamation marks. "COME BACK, HOT ELF LADY!"
Then Gimlet slumped off miserably home to go kill some more people.
And Rudolph and Steve went home, together, to have a glass of creamy hot somewhat salty gooey nog together, having saved the entire universe with their stereotypical gaiety.

THE END.