The Fellowship Of The Steve, Part 1

Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria, there was a pony named Steve.
What the hell kind of beginning is that?
Steve loved all the other ponies, and he loved his nation, and he loved his socks, which he always wore for some strange reason - although much stranger still was the fact other ponies seemed to uncomfortably ogle him whenever he wore his socks like it was some kind of pseudo-sexual metaphor. But most of all, Steve loved Hearth's Warming Eve.
Hearth's Warming Eve was about coming together! Hearth's Warming Eve was about uh... friends and.... things that are normally celebrated every single day in Equestria anyway but it was a totally special day all the same because. There was snow. Which otherwise there is usually a strange absence of in spite of Equestria supposedly having regular seasons. Also there was a lot of candy and people gave each other things.
But one year, Steve heard that Hearth's Warming Eve was going to be cancelled, because of plot contrivance or something like that.
Scrivener Blooms, write this seriously!
I am being serious. I am being very serious. Oh, fine.
It also had to do with the evil and terrifying darkness that was spreading through the skies of Equestria and threatening to bring eternal night
Okay okay. Stop. Scowling at me like that, Luna. I'll change it.
threatening to bring eternal lack of candy. And it was a very brightly-colored darkness. Like evil rainbows. It was the evil rainbow of darkness.
I feel like that's been used somewhere before.
Steve knew the only way to defeat the rainbow of darkness was to create a rainbow of light. And so with that in mind he set out to find the one ring magic slippers elements of harmony Hearth's-Warmingness.
Steve searched high and low across the land. During his travels, he came across the mystical Roland Rapunzel Rasputin Rudolph the muscular flying magical drunken reindeer. He was drunk on red-dyed pony nog, and it was very dark BECAUSE REASONS because of the evil rainbow of darkness spreading over the skies. It was a very slow-moving rainbow because it was getting paid by the hour and had a strong union representing its interests, thus it used the excuse that it wanted to do as good a job as possible to be lazy and build the dramatic tension.
Steve never would have noticed the drunken reindeer, except all that red-dyed nog had saturated his most bulbous nose. Adding to that the rhinophyma aggravated by alcohol-induced rosacea, it caused his nose to have a most Celestial crimson glow, like the setting sun a tomato. On fire. And angry about it.
So Steve walked over and slapped the reindeer out of his drunken stupor, then said: "Come with me if you want to live."
Rudolph didn't particularly want to live. So Steve slapped him around a little until he felt like living again. Luna that's not how you fix everything OKAY FINE LEAVING IT IN. After that they became magically the best of friends.
Steve and Rudolph made their way onwards, using his glowing nose to help them see through the dark night. Eventually, they entered a terrible forest, which Rudolph said was known for being full of evil and terrible creatures. But Steve felt that the power of implied homosexuality Hearth's Warming Eve would protect him. So they made their way through the dark and treacherous forest, pressing very close to each other's sides only because they were scared and stopping to give each other backrubs merely because they got sore and it helped calm them down.
They heard a stalliony grunting noise eventually. The two made their way to this, Steve a little more eager than Rudolph. Rudolph at least had the sense to call out: "Are you clopping over there?"
"I'm chopping!" shouted a voice back. Steve did not hear chopping. Instead he giggled and pranced into the clearing... and stared with horror at the sight of a large, muscular dwarf angrily cutting up THE MANGLED BODIES OF ALL OF HIS FRIENDS wait Hearth's Warming Eve story, right a lot of wood.
"That poor wood!" cried Steve. "What are you doing, you murderer?"
"I'm cutting it. I like to cut things. With my mighty axe." The terrible dwarf held up his terrible axe, and there was a crescendo of singing from the birds. "Shut up, birds!"
"There aren't any birds here." Rudolph remarked, much more confident now that they saw this wasn't another pony and likely would not interfere with his love interest friendship with Steve. "Mr. Steve, I think we should just keep going. We need to reach the river elves the elements of harmony Hearth's Warming Eve."
"I'll come with you. There will be treasure and things to kill. Trees are boring." growled the dwarf, and then Gimlet joined the party.
This party of masculine males made their way forwards on a quest to save gay joyous Hearth's Warming Eve. They left the evil forest and resumed their journey towards wherever the hell Steve was taking them, no one was really sure and Gimlet wasn't the talkative type and Rudolph just trusted in his secret love partner friend who kept him from drinking more red nog but let him have white gooey nog instead. Delicious white gooey nog.
Unfortunately all of their masculinity attracted a gay elf. He came gaily prancing out of his gay little household all done up gaily with gayfeathers and pansies and other flowers in a rainbow of colors, and he wore a cute little tutu and sparkly shoes and had a gay smile upon his gaily-beaming face.
Gimlet also thought that the elf was disturbingly pretty probably not of heterosexual orientation. But he thought that of all elves because he was a dwarf. While the elf only thought that Gimlet was cute and adorable and he wished he could dress him up in ribbons.
"Hello! I am the happiest of all elves! I can tell you're going to save Hearth's Warming Eve, the gayest of all the holidays, so I'm going to come with you! Let's cover the world in a thick frosting of love!" cried the gay elf happily.
So they made their way onwards, following the road. And because of pure plot contrivance destiny that road led them straight to Canterlot, where the evil mighty Celestia sat upon her evil mighty throne. She was very evil mighty. And fat. She had an evil important mission for them, and they were all happy to do her bidding take upon this evil mighty quest.
Luna I won't write the story if you keep. Yes. Go sit over there. Go. CORNER.
And so Celestia said to Steve: "To stop the evil rainbow of darkness you must use the stupid sacred elements of harmony Hearth's Warming Eveity to summon Puff the Magic Dragon the rainbow of light. You will not succeed alone, though, ring-bearer sock-wearer. You will need help."
Steve looked back at the friends he had made, and they all looked back at Steve. He begged pleaded prostrated smiled hopefully.
"You have my nose!" declared Rudolph
"And my axe!" roared Gimlet the Dwarf.
"And my alternative lifestyle!" cried the gay elf.
And thus was the Fellowship of Steve born.
"Also I'll give you flying eagles griffons to take you right to the rainbow of death metal darkness so we can skip a montage sequence save our nation before it is too late." Celestia said wisely.

TO BE CONCLUDED NEXT WEEK

I feel like half my brain just died.