Oh, no. I mean before we were together or anything, actually. Back when I was just getting to know her still. See, it goes like this...
Luna was wandering around, in a pretty foul mood, and I honestly couldn't figure out why. I mean, normally she'd get grumpy about something, but her mood usually changes pretty fast, so I'd always try and let her just work it out. But this time, it had been days of crankiness, and finally, in my
Luna loathes any metaphor that uses the sun or daylight. Guess why.
Luna also doesn't mind electrocuting me. Guess when that started.
Anyway, a few expletives later, she finally starts grumbling about stuff that usually she could care less about. Attention from the nobles, dating, romance, stuff that makes me stare a little before I realize what she's trying to say. It's Hearts And Hooves Day, which... for one thing, well, Luna doesn't entirely understand the holiday. Wasn't back way back then, after all. So basically she thinks there's this weird holiday where all the nobles are trying to flirt with Celestia, and she's getting letters and all those nice little cards and gifts and love tokens from ponies Equestria wide. While Luna doesn't even know what's going on and is wondering if this is "Celestia gets to choose from every stud in the kingdom" week.
Yes, now you start to see why Luna was pissed off.
Anyway. So I explain to Luna that it's just a lame, silly holiday for couples to buy presents for each other and to try and woo your crush or whatnot. She doesn't believe me at first so I drag out some old books to show her how it all started, with a romantical beginning that kinda exploded into the fiasco we all experience today. Luna starts getting more frustrated after this, wanting to know why the hell no pony is trying to date her or anything. I do my best. I honestly do my best to repress my every instinct to be a jerk while she's ranting away. I seriously try my hardest. And admittedly, what makes it harder is... I can tell Luna's upset. I mean, at this point we're friends, but... we're friends. I hate seeing her upset like that, and I'd much rather have her pissed off than... looking so hurt.
And then, instead of just saying something to frustrate her like I should have, which would have resulted in her blowing me up but also working out some of her stress, I make one of the dumbest mistakes I have ever made in my life and have been very, very careful to avoid since.
"Hey, I'm not doing anything for Hearts and Hooves. Why don't we just go have dinner at that nice little place in Canterlot? We could easily muscle our way in, you're kind of the Princess."
Luna stares at me, then asks suspiciously: "Art thou attempting to woo me, Scrivener Blooms?" And before I can come up with a witty retort about not wanting to listen to her complaining anymore, she adds: "Because dinner is not important. Whether or not thou art capable in bed afterwards is important."
Yeah. Yeah.
So my brain's just stripped a gear and I'm trying to come up with a good response, but then she scowls at me and finishes me off with: "But I suppose if thou performs like thy poetry, it shall be coarse, painful, and I will be left unsatisfied and thou will be crying into my mane like a whimpering foal."
Goodbye testicles. It was nice knowing you.
Well, with me thoroughly soul-crushed, Luna is in a much more cheery mood and decides that she wants to go to dinner after all. So we go.
Oh why didn't I just curl up in a corner and cry like I wanted to?
I mean, okay. It started well. Great, actually. Huge boost for my ego, too, I mean. First we get to shove our way into this expensive restaurant, second we get one of the best seats in the house, third, I get to enjoy the glares and stares of disbelief from all the nobles. Food comes quick, it's delicious. We're having a great time at first. I'm... happy with her.
We're talking, we're doing good. And then everything gets horrible when one of the nobles saunters over and starts to make small talk. Which eventually escalates into: "So why don't you forget about this little earth pony and come join us at our table?"
Now, if this hasn't already been clear from how often she zaps, bops, or smacks me, Luna has a bit of a temper. But the thing is, Luna might smack me around a little, but she'd never really hurt me, you know? Oh sure. We insult each other, we frustrate each other, we exasperate each other, but we'd never, ever hurt each other. And even back then, when we were first friends... we had that trust. We might flail at each other like children but for some reason it just... it always made it so much easier to trust in one-another. I mean, who do you trust more, the person who always treats you nicely, smiles at you, keeps themselves so soft and gentle and is
So we see how Luna treats me, and she likes me.
And then Mister Class Act walks up and treats Luna like some teenage ditz he can woo away from her coltfriend and mocks me in front of her and the whole restaurant. Then he tops it all off by saying: "After all, you might not be Princess Celestia, but you're still very important, aren't you?"
About a minute later the restaurant is on fire and Luna's flinging furniture everywhere and I'm cowering under one of the benches bolted to the ground and she's still flinging things in every direction. It's not entirely her fault, honestly. Luna had a lot of trouble... adjusting... back in those days.
Not that. Not that it would be any different now. As a matter of fact it would probably be worse. And I'd still be hiding under the bench in fear that she's going to throw me at someone next.
Thankfully, Luna runs out of steam pretty fast, and we hurry out of there and back to the castle. Sure, there's that initial adrenaline rush, that little moment of happiness where we think, hey, everything worked out better than expected. We're going to be just fine!
You know, right up until the angry Celestia storms in. Then we both quail like foals. And, like foals, we both end up grounded. Yes, Court Poet and Princess of the Night. Not permitted to leave Luna's quarters without explicit permission. Meals brought to us and Celestia's guards watching us at all times like hawks. Grounded. By the Princess of the Sun.
What? You argue with a pissed off billion foot tall winged unicorn who can move the sun. After your "friendly date" resulted in mass property damage, lawsuits, and almost burning down Canterlot.
See, I'm not a coward. Entirely. Caution is sometimes the better part of valor. And furthermore, when Luna isn't mouthing off, I take that as a very, very big sign that I should not try to say something witty.
So that was my first Hearts and Hooves Day with Luna. Celestia did kindly give us a few boxes of chocolate she received and Luna got a few cards from some kindergarten class and Twilight Sparkle. But Twilight always was kind of a suck-up.
Yes Luna, yes. I'm sure Twilight would treat you to a better Hearts and Hooves than me. Except for the fact that she bought you a book and I bought you that ridiculous giant candy apple. Who knows you better now- oh thank you now I'm all sticky. Go wash your hooves OH DAMMIT LUNA ITS IN MY MANE.
Some things, I guess, never really change. We began our whole relationship with Luna bopping me with her horn. It continues with Luna whacking me as she pleases and smearing caramel and sugar on me that came out awkward and will probably end with Luna bludgeoning me and continuing to smear things on me.
And yet I'm strangely okay with that.
I hope everyone had a happy Burn Down A Restaurant Day.
~Scrivener Blooms
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